Terrelle Pryor having surgery to remove coaches

COLUMBUS, OH — Terrelle Pryor’s college career will begin this fall at Ohio State, after an intense and protracted recruitment battle. But the nation’s number one recruit will have to make a detour to the doctor’s office first.

Contrary to popular belief, Pryor will not go through a head-shrinking procedure to return his cranium to normal size. Instead he will need surgery to remove several coaches from his buttocks.

A leak of the news to the media caused Pryor to hold yet another press conference Monday morning, wherein he announced that he would be holding a press conference Tuesday morning to explain his ailment.

Attending the conference with Pryor were his parents, Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez, and Oregon coach Mike Bellotti, along with Dr. “Doc” Evans, a specialist in sports medicine who expounded upon Pryor’s condition.

“During the recruitment process, it is not uncommon for coaches’ lips to become attached to a player’s buttocks for an extended period of time. Usually, however, these can be removed easily,” Evans explained. “Unfortunately, due to the protracted nature of Mr. Pryor’s recruitment, several pairs of lips have become more permanently attached, and will require surgical removal.”

The procedure will be performed on Friday as an in-patient operation, but Pryor is expected to be ready for practice in the fall.

“The patient will be up and around within a few days, and should be at full speed in about a month,” Dr. Evans said. “There will likely be some minor scarring, but nothing a few tattoos can’t cover up.”

Pryor said he wasn’t worried about his condition or the impending surgery. “These things happen. I knew this was a possibility when I didn’t sign on National Signing Day.”

Pryor also confirmed rumors that Penn State coach Joe Paterno was also attached to his rear end, but disappeared a few weeks ago.

“Yeah, he was on there,” Pryor said. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of people I’ve had kissing my ass in the past few months. I can hardly keep up.”

Pryor also announced he would be having another press conference before his surgery on Friday and another conference on Saturday after the surgery.

The coaches involved were generally unable to comment, though Bellotti attempted to mumble something about how the recruitment of Pryor may have detracted from his recruitment of other players.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!