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News Item

Spitzer resigns from office, declares for NFL draft

ALBANY, NY — Elliot Spitzer has resigned from office as governor of the State of New York, and has declared himself eligible for the NFL draft, where he is expected to be a first-round selection.

“Governor Spitzer – though he has never played football competitively, is nearly fifty and is physically a very diminutive individual – has a lot of the intangibles that we are looking for in an NFL player,” said Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. “Specifically I’m referring to his proclivities toward high priced hookers, of course.”

Lewis said that he’d love to draft Spitzer, if he is available at number nine.

“I feel like Spitzer could fit right into our scheme,” Lewis said. “In fact, although he’s a rookie, a lot of guys on the team could learn from him. Like, for example, a lot of them like to go to prostitutes, but they don’t like to pay up. This guy, he’ll pay upwards of $5,000 an hour for a prostitute. I mean, that’s a lesson that we could all learn from, right? After all, ‘you get what you pay for’ is a phrase that carries extra weight when applied to hookers.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is also very pleased at the announcement that Spitzer will be joining the league.

“It’s one thing to get caught committing something untoward,” Goodell said. “Anybody can do that. I mean, for Christ’s sakes, even Pacman Jones can do that. But to do something this sleazy after spending twenty years shoving your righteousness down everyone’s throats? This guy needs to be in the NFL!”

Lewis even suggested that the Bengals would consider trading up to the number one overall spot if it is the only way to land Spitzer, and repeatedly reiterated that the former Governor tops his draft board.

“Players like this are once in a generation,” Lewis said. “Someone who brings this sort of natural talent is a once-in-a-lifetime find. I know we need help on defense, but if he’s available, I’m taking the 150-pound former Governor of New York.”

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Labels: Cincinnati Bengals, Elliot Spitzer, Marvin Lewis, New York, NFL, NFL Draft, Pacman Jones, prostitution, Roger Goodell

Posted on March 10th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Pacman tops Bengals’ “most wanted” list (March 14, 2007)
Pacman’s true vice - Paris (April 12, 2007)
Ian Kennedy named Governor of New York to replace Spitzer (March 14, 2008)
Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep” (February 19, 2008)

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