Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”

NEW YORK CITY, NY — In a shocking twist in the four-year investigation into steroid use by elite athletes, Bud Selig was charged with four counts of irritability and one of obstruction of fun.

A federal grand jury returned the indictment against baseball’s commissioner yesterday, abruptly casting his job security into doubt. If convicted, he could be sentenced to a maximum of 30 years in prison.

The 10-page indictment mainly consists of examples of “what a freaking douchebag” Selig has been throughout the entire steroids probe. It cites 19 occasions in which Selig allegedly “handled shit in a needlessly uncool way.”

“We didn’t want to waste the Justice Department’s time pursuing this, at first,” said Ryan Anderson, US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, where Selig was indicted. “But when [Commissoner Selig] just stood there with his hands in his pockets as Barry Bonds broke baseball’s most hallowed record, we decided we had to open an investigation. Finally, after like the millionth holier-than-though press conference where he refused to do or say anything that wasn’t irritating, we kind of looked at each other and decided that enough was enough.”

“Honestly, I don’t think that guy does anything outside of being a giant buzzkill all the time,” Anderson continued. “Frankly, I don’t think Major League Baseball will even notice anything missing once we lock away this nutjob and throw away the key.”

“As the national pastime, baseball has throughout the decades been at its core about having fun,” said Lauren T. Hartley, professor of American history at Brandeis University. “From Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s appeal to baseball to increase the amount of night games so that factory workers could enjoy games after work, to the American League’s decision to adopt a designated hitter, the game has generally strived to provide entertainment and fun as a service to our nation.

“At first, Bud Selig’s tenure as commissioner seemed like it would be no different, what with the blind eye to the rampant steroids that enabled a new generation of fans to watch an insane amount of home runs. But by insisting on being a giant, humorless prick for the past four years, the old codger has pretty much squandered his legacy.”

When asked how Selig could be indicted on made-up charges for which there are clearly no actual federal statutes, Anderson said simply, “That’s never stopped us before.”

Selig said he hasn’t decided what he will do – if he remains in office at all – to “loosen up,” as federal prosecutors have indicated would be a necessary part of any plea bargain arrangement.

“I said I was going to handle this on a case-by-case basis, and that’s what I’m going to do,” Selig somewhat enigmatically said at an informal meeting with reporters at Maryvale Baseball Park in Phoenix.

The commissioner also has no plans to read any of his own grand jury testimony, which was ordered released by a judge at the time of his indictment.

“No, I don’t think so. I think all the lawyers around me will, but I don’t think there’s any reason for me to read that stuff at this time.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!