Main Menu

Home	About
Features	Submit
Facebook	MySpace
Friends	NSR
Contact	Mad-Libs
Archives	Gallery
Sponsors	Advertise
Subscribe	Jobs
SCNN	Pryzms

Go to Vividseats.com to get all hard-to-find Sports Tickets, including all NCAA Football Tickets , Basketball Tickets , Baseball Tickets , College Basketball Tickets , Tennis Tickets , PGA Tickets, NASCAR Tickets, NFL Tickets , and Super Bowl Tickets.

Get free NFL picks from PicksNFL.com
Wunderdog Sports is your source for football picks Get free football picks at TopTenCappers.com

Check out EnglishHarbour Network, the best and trusted online casino providing the online slots, table games and other casino games. Visit us for the best online gambling experience and great casino bonuses.

Cheap Sports Tickets
12 major suppliers
major mega $$$ choices
... Sports Ticket Depot

TOUTHOUSE.COM
NFL Betting Predictions, Free NFL Picks and Current Football Odds

Brett Favre |New Curse

Ticket Solutions
Sports Tickets
NFL
Baseball
Super Bowl
World Series
NCAA Tournament

See the DC United Playoffs with MLS tickets. All your other favorite sports events tickets are also at RazorGator.

Cheap Premium Tickets.com
Get tickets to your favorite sporting events including New York Giants tickets, Pittsburgh Steelers tickets, Detroit Red Wings tickets, Los Angeles Lakers tickets, San Francisco Giants tickets and more.

News Item

Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”

NEW YORK CITY, NY — In a shocking twist in the four-year investigation into steroid use by elite athletes, Bud Selig was charged with four counts of irritability and one of obstruction of fun.

A federal grand jury returned the indictment against baseball’s commissioner yesterday, abruptly casting his job security into doubt. If convicted, he could be sentenced to a maximum of 30 years in prison.

The 10-page indictment mainly consists of examples of “what a freaking douchebag” Selig has been throughout the entire steroids probe. It cites 19 occasions in which Selig allegedly “handled shit in a needlessly uncool way.”

“We didn’t want to waste the Justice Department’s time pursuing this, at first,” said Ryan Anderson, US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, where Selig was indicted. “But when [Commissoner Selig] just stood there with his hands in his pockets as Barry Bonds broke baseball’s most hallowed record, we decided we had to open an investigation. Finally, after like the millionth holier-than-though press conference where he refused to do or say anything that wasn’t irritating, we kind of looked at each other and decided that enough was enough.”

“Honestly, I don’t think that guy does anything outside of being a giant buzzkill all the time,” Anderson continued. “Frankly, I don’t think Major League Baseball will even notice anything missing once we lock away this nutjob and throw away the key.”

“As the national pastime, baseball has throughout the decades been at its core about having fun,” said Lauren T. Hartley, professor of American history at Brandeis University. “From Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s appeal to baseball to increase the amount of night games so that factory workers could enjoy games after work, to the American League’s decision to adopt a designated hitter, the game has generally strived to provide entertainment and fun as a service to our nation.

“At first, Bud Selig’s tenure as commissioner seemed like it would be no different, what with the blind eye to the rampant steroids that enabled a new generation of fans to watch an insane amount of home runs. But by insisting on being a giant, humorless prick for the past four years, the old codger has pretty much squandered his legacy.”

When asked how Selig could be indicted on made-up charges for which there are clearly no actual federal statutes, Anderson said simply, “That’s never stopped us before.”

Selig said he hasn’t decided what he will do – if he remains in office at all – to “loosen up,” as federal prosecutors have indicated would be a necessary part of any plea bargain arrangement.

“I said I was going to handle this on a case-by-case basis, and that’s what I’m going to do,” Selig somewhat enigmatically said at an informal meeting with reporters at Maryvale Baseball Park in Phoenix.

The commissioner also has no plans to read any of his own grand jury testimony, which was ordered released by a judge at the time of his indictment.

“No, I don’t think so. I think all the lawyers around me will, but I don’t think there’s any reason for me to read that stuff at this time.”

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to our newsletter or RSS feed and get hilarious sports news every day. Thanks for visiting!

Labels: Bud Selig, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, MLB, steroids, US Congress

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Got a headline idea? Click here to submit it... and be sure to visit our MySpace and/or Facebook pages!

Other Related News Items

• Bonds indictment changed to include head growth, testicle shrinkage (May 15, 2008)
• Bonds tells judge he’ll keep lawyers (December 21, 2007)
• Selig hoping steroid report arrives in time to ruin holidays (December 6, 2007)
• Selig staying away from Fourth festivities (July 4, 2007)

Link To This Post

<a target="_blank" href="http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/2008/03/selig-indicted-by-feds-for-irritability-and-obstruction-of-fun.html" title="Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”">Selig indicted by feds for “irritability” and “obstruction of fun”</a>

Comments

Be the first to leave a comment on this story below...

Leave A Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Search Our Site

  

Subscribe to SSNN's Newsletter

Enter your Email

Check Out These Classics

• Jordan establishes charity org.
• Vick started sentence early for financial reasons
• “Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston
• Herbstreit nominated for Sexiest ESPN Employee
• Beckham enjoying retirement from soccer

Multimedia News

Vertical Soccer

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!

View Multimedia Archives...

Photo Gallery

Visit our Gallery for a full listing of images...

Featured News

• PGA invites Ramirez, Favre to gain extra coverage
• ESPN scrambling for Wednesday programming
• Harden invites teammates to view WALL-E
• Chicagoans still suffering from storm
• “Manny being Manny” excuse infuriating to mother of 13-year-old Long Island boy
• Older Featured News...

News In Brief

• Nation mourns life of Tim McCarver
• Dodgers to play two outfielders
• Pirates sign Lyndon Larouche in effort to have all Laroches and LaRouches on team
• NCAA to strip UCLA of at least seven titles
• Paige fervently contesting Around the Horn record
• Older News In Brief...

Get Free Sports Picks including March Madness Picks, Sports Betting Strategy and the 2008 March Madness Bracket From Doc's College Basketball handicappers

Want CHEAP sports tickets? From NASCAR tickets to WWE tickets, or Red Sox tickets, Final Four tickets to discount Super Bowl tickets, find great deals on all kinds of event tickets here.

Sports fans may not always be serious about their news, but they're serious about their tickets. For NBA Playoffs tickets or Raptors tickets in Toronto, or Cowboys tickets online, CTC has a serious selection of the best sports tickets on the web. Get NY Giants tickets and sold out Super Bowl tickets too!

Serious Online Sports Betting at BetUS - America's favorite Sportsbook. Bet on any sport - football, tennis, UFC, golf or basketball.

Pickspal.com
Football Picks
College Football Picks

MTC Tickets
Sold Out Events Tickets
Justin Timberlake Tour
American Idol Seats
Broadway Theater Tickets
Sold Out Sports Tickets
Hot Concert Tickets
March Madness Tickets

Golf is at its finest with Masters Tickets, while other historically important Sports Tickets like the Kentucky Derby Packages, and NFL Super Bowl Tickets are always hard to come by!