Riding high, Red Sox now refuse to travel to New York

TOKYO, JAPAN — Fresh off Wednesday’s successful boycott, which forced Major League Baseball to compensate Boston’s coaches and staff for their trip to Japan, the Boston Red Sox are now refusing to travel to New York for any games this year, until as-yet unspecified demands are met.

“New York’s always been sort of a hassle to travel to,” said designated hitter David Ortiz. “Few if any of the other major league teams have to make that trek, so I don’t think anyone else really understands the nuisance that city represents.”

Boston manager Terry Francona expressed confidence that an arrangement could be reached before the season begins. However, he made it clear that he viewed traveling to New York as “every bit as much of a hardship” as flying to Tokyo.

“Like Japan, New York City is comprised of several islands far removed from mainland North America,” said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. “We should not be forced to travel there three or four times a season without a little extra something. Fair is fair.”

When a reporter pointed out that Yankee Stadium is actually in the Bronx, and thus on mainland North America, a visibly agitated Francona yelled “Scab!” and would not answer questions until the reporter left the room.

“We’re just pretty in awe of the things our predecessors had to do in order to have their voices heard,” said Boston bench coach Brad Mills. “The boys have been singing some classic folk songs in the hotel at night. Paps has even taken up the banjo. Things like the Pullman Strike and the Haymarket Riot, man - it really makes you feel special to be a part of that legacy.”

“We’re not sure exactly what we want, but it’s probably gonna involve getting Manny a lap dance or something,” said team captain Jason Varitek. “We all kinda feel like it’s only fair for the league to spring for a lap dance for Manny every once in awhile. Or maybe we don’t play until we’re guaranteed the AL pennant. Whatever it is, we’re the Boston Red Sox - we don’t take no for an answer.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!