Proehl seeking trademark on white receiver comparisons

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Former NFL wide receiver Ricky Proehl had a great career. In his 17 years in the league, he caught over 650 passes for nearly 9,000 yards, scored 54 touchdowns and was a part of four teams to appear in the Super Bowl – 1999 and 2001 St. Louis Rams, 2003 Carolina Panthers, and the 2006 Indianapolis Colts – winning twice.

Now, Proehl has decided to leave another legacy. SSNN has learned that the receiver is pursuing a trademark on the evaluation of white wide receivers, to ensure that they are only compared to him and that he is compensated when such comparisons are made.

“I think I’ve earned it,” Proehl said. “Used to be that white receivers would be compared to Steve Largent, Ed McCaffrey, Don Beebe or even Wayne Chrebet. But now that I’m retired, I think the honor should be all mine. I mean, I think everyone agrees that I’m basically the definitive white possession receiver.”

The trademark Proehl is seeking would be similar to the one that current Miami Heat coach Pat Riley acquired when he was coaching the Los Angeles Lakers and coined the term “three-peat.”

However, there are critics who say that the trademark is inappropriate – the absurdity of the idea aside – because not all white wide receivers are “possession receivers,” which carries with it the insinuation of being slow-footed.

“Of course, not all white receivers are slow, but the media doesn’t care about that,” Proehl pointed out. “Even if a fast player like Matt Jones or Kevin Curtis is catching passes, they still compare them to me, so I feel I’m owed something. Maybe I could even become a verb; like if a white guy makes a tough catch over the middle, Madden could say, ‘What a Proehl by [Chicago Bears backup WR] Mike Hass. Bam!’ Or maybe we should call it a Ricky – either one is really fine with me.”

Despite his commitment and apparent confidence, most inside the sports industry do not believe that Proehl will be successful in his quest.

“There’s no way he’s getting that trademark,” said one television executive, who spoke with SSNN on the condition of anonymity. “Nor do we want him to. Our announcers are under explicit instructions to mix it up a bit when comparing white receivers to their predecessors. They’re all the same type of player, but variety is essential – compare one to Steve Largent, one to Don Beebe and another to Ed McCaffrey. It’s always been the rule – even with a guy like Tim Dwight. It’s not that we don’t respect Ricky, but there’s a well-established hierarchy here, and I see no reason to rock the boat.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!