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News Item

Pirates sign Crystal as everyday center fielder

PITTSBURGH, PA — Mediocre but family-friendly entertainer Billy Crystal signed a three-year, league-minimum contract with the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Pirates front office announced Monday. The 61-year old rookie is expected to be the everyday centerfielder for the troubled ballclub.

Crystal was involved in talks with the Pirates all weekend, the team that he faced off against Friday in a one at-bat performance as the New York Yankees’ designated hitter. He managed to work a full count against Bucs left-hander Paul Maholm, fouling off a 1-0 fastball before eventually striking out on an 88 mph cutter. After passing a physical on Sunday night – to ensure that he “at least won’t die out there” – Crystal officially became a Pirate.

“From my Golden-Globe nominated role in When Harry Met Sally to the countless forgettable films and television shows I’ve performed in before and since, I’ve done a pretty good job of being a household name that no one truly loves,” Crystal said in a statement. “If I can bring just one-eighth of that energy to playing centerfield for the next three years – indeed, three of my ‘golden years’ – then the Pittsburgh Pirates at least can’t do any worse than they’ve done since their last winning season, in 1992. Which, coincidentally, is the same year I wrote, directed and starred in Mr. Saturday Night.”

“He hosted the Oscars like nine times, right? That’s kinda like playing centerfield,” said a visibly shaken Pirates’ manager John Russell. “I dunno, ask Neal [Huntington] what he’s thinking.”

“Well, clearly we’re grasping at straws here,” said Huntington, the Pirates’ new general manager. “People are looking at me like I’m gonna be able to do something to turn this organization around, but our whole business strategy is to keep our costs down and turn a modest profit year after year. This is a team that just doesn’t want to win.”

Not everyone on the team was so pessimistic, however.

“The kid made contact against us on Friday,” said Pirates catcher Ronny Paulino. “That’s better than the jackass we got in center now.”

For his part, team owner Robert Nutting seemed cautiously optimistic about the Crystal signing.

“I don’t care if you dig up Honus Wagner, attach his corpse to a bunch of strings and dangle him in front of the crowd – if it ends up making me a little something on the side, I’m ok with it,” said Nutting.

“I’m so sorry, let me explain that better,” Nutting continued. “Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that’s a straw, you see? You watching? And my straw reaches across the room, and starts to drink your milkshake… Oh, sorry, I got kind of off-topic there, but the point is I don’t care if the Bucs do well or not as long as I make a profit.”

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Labels: Billy Crystal, John Russell, Neal Huntington, New York Yankees, Oscars, Paul Maholm, Pittsburgh Pirates, Robert Nutting, Ronny Paulino

Posted on March 18th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

• Pirates hire top-rated MLB 2K7 gamer as GM (November 3, 2007)
• EXCLUSIVE: Pittsburgh Pirates now hiring for all positions (April 29, 2008)
• Pirates sign Lyndon Larouche in effort to have all Laroches and LaRouches on team (August 2, 2008)
• Pirates fan looking to cash in on team’s forthcoming success (March 13, 2008)

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