Pirates fan looking to cash in on team’s forthcoming success

EVANS CITY, PA — Eddie Light, 34, a small business owner from Evans City, had his life changed last week when he ran into Ralph Kiner signing autographs for $25 a pop at a Cat Lovers convention.

It all started after Light endured an 18-minute line to get to Kiner. It was then that Light, a lifetime Pirates fan, asked Kiner if he thought the Pirates would be a contender in the 2008 season.

“Ralph goes, ‘Yeah, they’re gonna be awesome,’” Light told SSNN. “He said that they’ll probably win 115 games. Holy crap, right? In all of my simulations, the most they’d won was 108.”

Kiner further predicted that the Bucs will win the World Series this year. At this statement, Light sprung into action and decided to build an empire on the future success of the Pirates.

“They don’t call me Fast Eddie for nothing,” Light said. “When opportunity cracks a door for me, I am gonna kick that door down, walk into opportunity’s kitchen, and start making myself some of opportunity’s eggs, if you take my meaning.”

To date, Eddie has pawned most of his company’s assets and taken a second mortgage on his home, so he has the revenue to purchase materials in preparation for the Buckos’ 2008 run to glory.

“I have bought the domain names pirates11508.com, wearefamily2.com, and several others to prepare for this assured victory,” Light said. “I have also purchased t-shirts, polos, and other memorabilia to have in stock when others realize what the Pirates are going to do.”

The Pirates could not be reached for an official comment, but several players made statements. “Eddie is the fire in belly,” said Jason Bay; and Zach Duke posted a blog stating that “Eddie Light is to the Pirates what Paris Hilton is to L.A. – sort of that crazy character that makes the whole place go.”

Eddie has encountered his share of well-wishers, but he has encountered some critics as well.

“It’s easy to be a critic,” Light told SSNN. “But I find it easier to believe in Ralph Kiner.

“I don’t care what it takes. I’ll sell my car if I have to, and walk to work. But when the Pirates win the World Series, I am going to be walking to work wearing a pretty awesome Pirates World Series rugby shirt. And if my feet hurt when I get there, I can massage them with thousand-dollar bills.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!