NHL playoffs rumored to begin soon

BRISTOL, CT — Over the past week, sources within the NHL have been whispering that the league intends to begin its annual playoffs soon, although the exact date remains in doubt. An employee in the video editing department at ESPN, who wished to remain anonymous in keeping with the spirit of the league, partly confirmed rumors that the NHL will, in fact, have a playoff season this year.

“Well, we know they’re having a regular season right now, because they keep sending us game tapes. Unless the tapes are from other seasons, I guess… Who can tell the difference, you know? There’s been like 60, maybe 70 games played so far,” the source told SSNN. “Another 30 or 40 and they should be about done. As I understand it, the playoffs will begin shortly after the regular season and last approximately two and a half years.”

Since a lockout caused the cancellation of the 2004-2005 season, the NHL has rarely appeared on any major television networks, leading many to speculate that the league no longer exists. An informal survey conducted by SSNN confirmed that over 75% of Americans believe the NHL went out of business several years ago. Another 15% think the league is still in a lockout, and the other 10% believe the league “moved back to Canada, or Russia or something.”

But despite the general public’s ignorance and indifference, much evidence in the way of newspaper box scores and SportsCenter highlights exists to support the league’s continued existence.

“Well, Barry Melrose is still doing analysis a few nights a week, and we still televise it one or two nights a week, so I guess they are still in business,” the source at ESPN said. “Of course, everybody likes Barry, and we’d feel real bad for him if his sport no longer had a professional league. So maybe it’s a big conspiracy around here to keep him from having his feelings hurt. Or, you know, maybe he’s being Punk’d.”

Melrose, who has been ESPN’s primary NHL analyst for years, denies that there is any sort of conspiracy regarding the NHL and its playoffs.

“Look, the league still exists,” he assured SSNN. “Look at all the evidence. Just because the actual games aren’t on TV doesn’t mean anything. Lots of things happen every day that aren’t on TV.”

When asked what those things are, Melrose admitted he wasn’t sure. When asked about when exactly the playoffs would begin, Melrose wasn’t sure of that either – “The playoffs will probably begin next month. That would be my guess, unless it’s the month after that.”

Melrose was also unsure what had become of former ESPN hockey analyst Darren Pang. SSNN’s video editing source, however, says he has a pretty good idea. “He talked too much. The league is very sensitive when it comes to the flow of information. They really don’t seem to want people knowing anything about their actions, or their future plans.”

League officials refused all requests for comment on this story.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!