NCAA to sanction multiple coaches for giving change to homeless

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Several years ago, the NCAA came down on then University of Utah men’s head basketball coach Rick Majerus for buying one of his players, Keith Van Horn, a meal late at night.

Van Horn’s father had recently passed away, and Majerus was trying to comfort his star player during an obviously difficult period. The NCAA didn’t care. It seems they will have none of this new-age “sensitivity.”

As further proof, SSNN has learned the NCAA has recently disciplined at least 10 head coaches of men’s basketball and football squads after the governing body found out that these coaches had given spare change to the homeless. A source close to the ruling told SSNN that the names of the coaches and the programs they run will be made public shortly, and the penalties will range from loss of scholarships to simple probation.

When asked why the NCAA would penalize coaches for doing what seems like a good deed, the source responded defensively.

“Good deed? Are you kidding me? We assume, of course, that none of these guys went to college, so they have eligibility left. We determined that these coaches were gaining an unfair advantage. They are giving money to potential recruits. It’s not difficult to comprehend. Any money handed out is a serious violation and will be dealt with harshly.”

Reminded that the amount of money given to the homeless individuals was mere pocket change, the source continued to defend the action.

“The amount of money doesn’t matter, sir. What matters is the ethics. The NCAA always has and always will do what is right and fair. We are only trying to protect the integrity of these universities and the NCAA by sanctioning these coaches. Can you imagine what would happen if they just started handing out pocket change left and right? Anarchy, that’s what. We needed to put an end to this practice, so we responded. And it was the right decision.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!