NCAA to pay athletes in McDonald’s gift cards, laundry tokens

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In a move designed to placate increasingly noisy critics, NCAA president Myles Brand announced Thursday that beginning in the Fall 2008 term, the NCAA will compensate all Division I athletes with McDonald’s gift cards and laundry tokens.

“We’re tremendously excited about this program,” Brand told reporters at a press conference. “We feel this plan provides fair compensation for our student athletes.”

Many have derided the NCAA for not paying the athletes whose play generates millions of dollars in revenue for its member schools. University of Oklahoma president David Boren, one of the authors of the plan, told SSNN the reasons behind it.

“Well, every time this issue comes up, some smart aleck always says how the NCAA is making millions of dollars from its athletic programs, while the athletes can’t afford a hamburger at McDonald’s, or they don’t have enough change to do their laundry,” Boren said. “This plan addresses both of those needs.”

The NCAA has long been opposed to compensating its athletes beyond their scholarships and stipends, citing fears of rampant corruption. Athletes and journalists have felt that paying athletes a living wage would actually reduce corruption.

“We felt this was a safer alternative to cash money,” Brand explained. “Money seems to have a strange effect on people’s values.”

The plan would pay each Division I student athlete on scholarship approximately $20 per week in gift cards and tokens. Apparently this was the maximum the organization could afford, but many say it does practically nothing for poor student athletes. Grant Hill, a forward for the NBA’s Phoenix Suns, played four seasons at Duke University and has been a vocal critic of the NCAA for many years.

“This new plan is a joke,” Hill said. “It does next to nothing for these athletes. It’s twenty bucks a week. You have to remember that many of these athletes come from poor backgrounds and have no means of support while they’re at college. I mean, I have no personal experience with that – Laettner and I ate free everywhere. But I’ve heard it can be really tough.”

A clause in the plan that would have provided athletes with gas cards was shot down. “That would have just been too much,” Brand said. “Let’s remember, the NCAA and its member institutions are non-profit entities.”

Boren, for one, believes the proposed compensation is more than satisfactory.

“Absolutely fair. We’re paying these athletes just what they’re worth to us.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!