Naked Twins GM discusses Livan Hernandez, new clothes

FORT MYERS, FL — A completely naked Minnesota Twins general manager Bill Smith addressed stunned reporters today at a press conference about Twins opening day starter Livan Hernandez.

“I know everyone’s pretty sad about losing Johan Santana in the off-season. I am too,” a pale and denuded Smith said. “But look, everyone, I got us the next best thing – Livan Hernandez!”

Hernandez, who will take the mound for the Twins for their opening day game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, placed second in balloting for National League Rookie of the Year in 1997. As the new Twins ace, Hernandez will almost certainly have an ERA three to four runs higher than his New York Mets counterpart Santana in the upcoming season.

“I’m confident our new ace can match up against the top of any other team’s rotation,” Smith said, undraped and bare. “This guy has a World Series ring, and he’s a two-time All Star from, like, way back in the day. Plus he’s made like 11 errors in his entire career, so you know he’s a grinder.

“Make no mistake about it, people – the AL Central is going to be a dogfight, but thankfully Livan’s gonna be there every fifth game to help us stay focused on winning our fifth division title in seven years.”

Most of the questions posed to Smith were not about Hernandez, however. Instead, reporters focused on Smith’s lack of attire.

“Oh, this,” the raw, natural Smith said, gesturing down at his unvarnished figure. “Thanks for noticing my new suit, guys. It is cut from the most beautiful cloth.”

When pressed on the apparent fact that he was not wearing any clothes at all, the glabrous and deshabille Smith simply laughed and said, “You can’t see my suit because you’re stupid and unfit for your profession.”

“Coincidentally, that’s also why you’re having such a tough time understanding why this proud organization – which has a ridiculous amount of major league-ready pitching propects – would hand its number one spot over to Livan Hernandez,” the au naturel Smith continued. “Well, you just can’t see the same Livan that I can!”

When asked for comment, Hernandez simply said, “I’m in yer Metrodome, stealin’ yer moneys!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!