Mitchell Investigation broadens scope, to “everyone except David Wells”

NEW YORK CITY, NY — The probe concerning illegal performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball has reportedly broadened to include every single current player in the sport, except for left-handed pitcher David Wells. According to George Mitchell, head of the investigation, the evidence is too obvious to ignore.

“When you consider the recent upsurge in power and the noticeable changes in physique, it seems pretty clear that everyone outside of David Wells is worthy of suspicion. I’m not saying everyone cheated, but the only person we can really rule out at this point is Boomer,” Mitchell said during a Wednesday press conference. “I mean, have you looked at that guy? Jabba the Hut has a better BMI.”

When his reference was met with an awkward silence, Mitchell tapped his microphone and asked, “Is this thing on?”

Much to the chagrin of the gathered media members, Mitchell seemed more interested in mocking Wells’ physical condition than discussing details about the recently expanded steroid investigation. In fact, when asked about the long-term goals of the probe, Mitchell responded with another joke.

“But seriously folks, that guy David Wells is so fat, I hear that the last time he wore a yellow suit a bunch of school kids started to board him,” the former Senator quipped, as MLB commissioner Bud Selig – seated at a drum set – chimed in with a rimshot. “Although, I guess we could rule out David Eckstein, too – that guy’s so skinny he has to run around in the shower just to get wet.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, Mitchell urged reporters to drive home safely, and added that he would be appearing at Sammy’s Chuckle Hut in Midtown Manhattan on Thursday.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!