Millen reveals Lions’ draft plans

DETROIT, MI — After a somewhat disappointing 7-9 season, many Detroit Lions‘ fans are worried about the team’s future. But team president Matt Millen addressed those concerns today in a press conference.

“You’re waiting for me to say we’re going with a wide receiver in the first round, aren’t you?” Millen joked when asked about his team’s draft strategy. “No seriously, all Lions fans should know that I hate them and I will do whatever I can to ruin this team as long as it is dumb enough to employ me.”

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While reporters repeatedly offered Millen a chance to take the statement back, the Lions’ president insisted he meant exactly what he said.

“Do you fools think it is a coincidence that Detroit’s last winning season was the year before I arrived?” Millen screamed. “I’M MATT MILLEN. I’M PURE EVIL.”

Reports of what happened during the rest of the press conference are sketchy, but multiple sources claim Millen ate two of the smaller cameramen and shot fire from his mouth. One source even had Millen bathing in goat’s blood while naming available wide receivers from the 2008 draft.

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” said lifelong Lions fan Tim Damon. “I mean, it was either Millen is complete evil or Millen is a complete idiot. I’m honestly not sure which is more frightening.”