Matsui even more alienated after anus surgery

KISSIMMEE, FL — Kaz Matsui thought he had heard it all. Taunts of being too small, too un-American, and too Japanese to hit a fastball have been the norm during Matsui’s four-year Major League career, but all that pales in comparison to what he’s facing now.

After undergoing surgery to repair an “unnatural tear of the anus tissue,” otherwise known as an anal fissure, the Houston Astros infielder has been subject to unprecedented ridicule.

“It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie,” Matsui admitted through an interpreter. “People were finally getting over the whole Japanese thing, and now this story cracks open.”

SSNN is unsure whether that was an intended pun, or if the quote simply got lost in translation. Either way, the past few days have been unusually painful for Matsui, in more ways than one.

“Anal surgery is no laughing matter,” Matsui continued. “I mean, I have stitches inside of my butt. How is that funny?”

Most queries directed towards teammates about the surgery were met with fits of laughter, and not even manager Phil Garner could provide a semblance of support when asked how Matsui’s absence will hurt the team.

“Obviously Kaz’s speed is a great contribution to this squad, and we hope he has a quick recovery, but… but… I’m sorry,” Garner said, stifling a chuckle. “I just can’t say ‘Kaz’ and ‘but’ in the same sentence anymore. This shit is just too funny.”

While Matsui is hoping to only miss the first two weeks of the season, he expects the jokes to last a lifetime.

“Being the only Asian born player, I already felt like an outsider when I arrived here in Houston. In fact, Berkman had been calling me ‘Jap Matsui’ since the beginning of Spring Training, which is actually pretty derogatory, but I let it pass,” Kaz lamented. “Now though, after this whole anus surgery thing, he’s taken to calling me ‘Kaz Can’t-Poopey,’ which I despise a whole lot more.”

“What can I say? I call ‘em like I see ‘em,” Berkman said in his defense.

Matsui concluded the interview by emphatically stating that “anal intercourse is definitely not the reason for my current problem,” and that his only hope going forward is that “when little children see Kaz Matsui walking down the street, their first thought isn’t ‘there goes that Japanese guy that had ass surgery.’”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!