Manny frightened by time travel, refusing to leave Japan

TOKYO, JAPAN — The defending World Series Champion Boston Red Sox have returned home from Japan with a win, a loss, and a newfound respect for Japanese culture. One thing they didn’t return home with, unfortunately, is Manny Ramirez.

SSNN has learned that the unpredictable slugger refused to board the team charter, after finding out that the flight leaving early Thursday morning from Tokyo was scheduled to land in Los Angeles on Wednesday evening.

“He was fine for the whole bus ride out to the airport. He was listening to his favorite Lou Bega CD on his iPod and playing with this giant, stuffed Panda Bear he bought,” said an irritated Terry Francona. “We thought we were in the clear.”

The trouble apparently began when the battery on Manny’s iPod ran out.

“We were standing in line waiting to board the plane, and I guess the music stopped playing in Manny’s ears, because he overheard us talking about how we’d actually be getting back to the States on Wednesday,” recounted Jonathan Papelbon. “He asked Brandon Moss what we were talking about, and of course the stupid rookie told him the truth. He pretty much flipped out after that.”

According to Japanese press releases, Ramirez became visibly agitated and began pestering teammates about their imminent time travel.

“We tried to explain it to him, but you know Manny, he kind of has trouble understanding things,” Mike Lowell told SSNN. “The coaches had the tranquilizer darts ready, but he just took off running.”

“To be honest, we expected this,” said GM Theo Epstein. “We were hoping for the best, but we prepared for the worst. As soon as Manny bolted I called up the intern that we left behind and alerted him to the situation.”

SSNN’s Japanese correspondent caught up with the frightened Ramirez at a downtown Tokyo McDonald’s and asked him about his refusal to leave the country.

“They lied to Manny,” Ramirez explained. “They give me the unlimited supply of Fruit Roll-Ups to hit a baseball, not travel through time. Manny is no astronaut – I’m a baseball player.”

Although all attempts to coerce Ramirez to board a plane back home have failed, Epstein is not worried.

“We don’t play another real game until Tuesday, and it’s not like Manny gets much benefit out of practice anyway. He usually spends most of the time with his glove over his face, pretending to be invisible,” admitted Epstein. “Like I said, we’ve got a guy in place who’s familiar with the situation; so we’ll let him roam the city for a few days, and then slip a few Ambien into a Laffy Taffy and slide it under his door. Once he’s zonked out, we’ll tie him up and bring back. Manny can’t resist Laffy Taffy’s.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!