Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it

HELL — In a statement released by a spokesman for Lucifer, the horned beast has declared that he no longer has any use for the soul of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

“Upon further review of the matter, Lucifer – also at times referred to as Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, the Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Old Gooseberry and other monikers – has declared that the soul of Bill Belichick has become distasteful to his eyes,” the statement read. “Indeed, there comes a point when even the very source of all evil in the world is simply grossed out by the sleaziness and unscrupulousness of a human soul. As such, the soul will be put up for auction on eBay and sold to the highest bidder. It is kept in a cursed vial that should hold it for eternity, but there will be the option to also purchase a lock and chain forged in hellfire, just to be safe.”

Although sources say he is worried about who will purchase his soul, Belichick had little to say when reached for comment.

“It is what it is,” the Patriots’ coach said. “Around here we focus on the task at hand, which is avoiding prosecution or punishment in the videotaping scandal. Once Matt Walsh is out of the picture, then maybe I can worry about my eternal essence.”

Auction experts have estimated that Belichick’s soul will sell for anywhere from $7 - $10, based on his generally being considered a curmudgeonly, unpleasant, arrogant, smug bastard.

“Belichick’s soul has greatly declined in value,” said one auctioneer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Now, the soul of Bob Knight? That might be worth something. Of course, that’s probably why the Devil’s not selling it on eBay.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!