IOC to move games to American heartland

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND — The International Olympic Committee announced from its headquarters Tuesday that a number of high-ranking members, including President Jacques Rogge, have unanimously voted to remove the upcoming Olympic games from the host city of Beijing amid growing concerns surrounding China’s air pollution problem.

“As more and more athletes have expressed their reluctance to participate in July’s games due to the smog problem in China, the IOC was forced to find a safer alternative,” Rogge told SSNN’s European bureau. “After much deliberation – two hours, to be exact – the committee firmly believes it has found the most viable solution to this troubling scenario. To this end, the IOC is happy to announce today that the beautiful town of Wynot, Nebraska has officially been chosen as the new site of the 26^th Summer Olympic Games.”

Pronounced ‘why-not,’ the small, sparsely-populated farming community is home to under 400, but boasts what Rogge ecstatically referred to as “a world class YMCA aquatic center and professional-grade high school track and field facilities,” along with several other venues that will attempt to meet Olympic demands.

According to Rogge, the largest factor in the committee’s decision seems to be Wynot’s squeaky-clean reputation for registering consistently pristine air quality reports, particularly during the summer months, when smog’s tendency to linger in the atmosphere is more prevalent.

“It doesn’t take an IOC member to figure out that some small town in the middle of nowhere won’t have to face the inevitability of succumbing to environmental hazards like harmful pollutants,” Rogge explained. “Our extensive research into the town of Wynot shows that it receives green lights on its air quality forecasts every day. I know we’ll all rest easier at night – and breathe easier come July – now that we have united around this unprecedented decision.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!