Hernandez, Twins at odds over unusual contract provision

FORT MEYERS, FL — Tension erupted in the Minnesota Twins’ camp as an obscure clause in starting pitcher Livan Hernandez’ contract surfaced after yesterday’s game.

After losing veterans Johan Santana and Carlos Silva in the off-season, the Twins signed Hernandez to buoy a rotation of otherwise young arms. The right-hander’s one-year, $5 million contract includes an unusual clause requiring Hernandez to “turn off the lights” and “lock up the stadium tight” after games that he starts for the Twins.

Hernandez abruptly learned of this provision after last night’s exhibition matchup against the Boston Red Sox.

The Twins, as the away team, had an 8-4 lead going into the bottom of the ninth inning. As Hernandez – who had already thrown 140 pitches through 8 innings – took the mound, he noticed that the only other Twin on the field was pimply-faced, third-string catcher Jose Morales.

Twelve pitches and five inside-the-park home runs later, Boston won the game 9-8.

Hernandez was then informed by opposing manager Terry Francona that Twins’ manager Ron Gardenhire had told him to tell Hernandez that he was expected to turn off the lights and lock up before heading back to his hotel.

“We have our own grounds crew that takes care of stuff like that, but Gardy was pretty adamant,” Francona said. “He kept saying, ‘Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,’ and made couple weird ice fishing analogies that I didn’t get.”

Hernandez grudgingly complied, but not before allegedly throwing an epic temper tantrum that was witnessed by no one.

“What the hell, man?” Livan complained to reporters at a press conference this morning. “My arm feels like its going to fall off, all I want to do is close out a win, jump in the hot tub and chow down on several delicious all-beef hot dogs, and they tell me I gotta turn off the lights and lock up? It took me forever to even find the light switches.”

“If a Livan yells in the stadium and no one’s around to hear him, does he make a sound?” laughed Twins pitching coach Rick Anderson. “All joking aside though, how would I know?”

“It’s no secret that we signed Livan to go the distance every five games,” commented Twins GM Bill Smith. “Grounds crews are expensive and we thought, hey, why not kill two birds with one Livan?”

Hernandez said he would comply with the unusual contract provision – albeit under protest – but added, “This is the last time I’m gonna let some team with no chance at the playoffs take advantage of me. I’m a human being, and I am capable of both emotional and physical pain just like everyone else.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!