Heat mascot ending season early

MIAMI, FL — In an unexpected move today, Miami Heat mascot Burnie announced he is shutting it down for the season. With the Heat out of playoff contention, and with Dwayne Wade calling it a year earlier this week, Burnie said he too needed some time off.

“I’ve got a lot of nagging injuries,” Burnie said in a press conference today. “I need some time to heal. It’s just some nagging ankle and knee stuff. That dunking off the trampoline ain’t as easy as it looks. I’ve also got sore palms from shaking hands so much, and my eyes can’t focus right from all the times I’ve had my picture taken.”

Burnie also cited Wade’s and coach Pat Riley’s early departures as reasons for his own leave of absence. “With those guys out, we obviously don’t have any star power. It’s hard to get excited about a team that sucks this much. I can’t even name anybody else on the team. Shawne Merriman? Is that our new guy?”

The Heat are 11-52, 40 games back of the Eastern Conference-leading Boston Celtics, and Burnie admits it’s hard to get excited about the games.

“This just isn’t any fun right now,” he told SSNN. “At least if I was in New York we’d be going to strip clubs. Those guys know how to have fun. Not that I want to go to New York – I mean, my name’s Burnie, with a ‘u.’ Get it? ‘Cause we’re the Heat. The only burning in the Knicks’ organization right now is in Jerome James’ pants. I want to finish my career here in Miami.”

Burnie also denied accusations the team was purposely losing games in order to better its chances of winning the NBA’s draft lottery. Michael Beasley of Kansas State is the probable first pick if he enters the draft after his freshman season as expected.

“Of course we want Beasley. Hell, we need Beasley the way Bud Selig needs a face lift. But we’re not tanking games, and my decision has nothing to do with that. I just need this time to heal and get ready for next season.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!