Hamels punches wall, creates new continent

ST. PETERSBURG, FL — Following a rough spring training outing on Friday – when the Phillies visited and lost to the Tampa Bay Rays – Cole Hamels was frustrated. The young strikeout artist needed to take out some aggression, so he punched a wall… with his pitching hand.

“We always tell pitchers, if you’re mad, don’t punch the wall. And if you do punch it, do it with your fielding hand, for goodness sakes,” said Charlie Manuel. “But Cole is Cole, and Cole does what Cole does. And, as usual, it worked out for everyone. Well, except Florida.”

Satellite photograph of Hamelsania.

That is because the force of Hamels’ blow was so swift and mighty that it literally separated South Florida from the rest of the continental United States. Scientists have surmised that the locations of the Rays’ St. Petersburg training facility caused the actual Tampa Bay to serve as a starting point for the tearing away of the lower two-thirds of the Sunshine State.

“I have never seen anything like this,” said noted geologist Jonathan Terwilliger, of the Georgia Institute of Technology. “This man’s punch was the equivalent of a Category 5 hurricane combined with an earthquake registering 7.1 on the Richter Scale. The punch actually moved the entire continental United States away from Florida. A lot of people think it was the other way around, but no.”

The split created a 40-mile chasm – immediately dubbed the ‘Strait of Hamels’ – that now separates the new continent, known as Hamelsania, from the rest of the United States. It is unclear if the new continent will still be part of the United States, especially with the groundswell of support to name Hamels the king of the new continent and have him rule the land with his wisdom and kind feeling.

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“It’s sort of a thrill, creating a new continent,” Hamels said. “I’ve never done that before. So it’s something new, which is nice. That’s what’s crazy about life… you never really know how fun something like creating a new continent can be, until you do it.”