Guillen to take cue from South Park, get V-chip installed

TUCSON, AZ — A V-chip is a system whereby parents can block out television programs they deem inappropriate for their children. In baseball terms, it can now be applied to what is going to be installed in the head of Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who uses foul-mouthed tirades as an essential part of his persona.

Watching the movie South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut on cable last week, Guillen got the idea to have a V-chip installed when he saw the effect the technology had on Eric Cartman, the equally foul-mouthed cartoon character who stars in the film. Cartman had a V-chip installed to stop his incessant use of profane language, and if he attempted to use an expletive, it would send a short but painful electric shock through his body.

“It worked for that fat little fucker in the movie,” Guillen said. “So why the fuck wouldn’t it fucking work for me? If people don’t like my fucking swearing, then I have to fucking stop, for the good of the god damn community. So I thought, what the fuck? Let’s do it.”

White Sox general manager Kenny Williams was ecstatic that Guillen chose to potentially harm himself for the good of the team. “I think Ozzie’s a great manager, but his mouth was getting him in trouble. The fact that he’s willing to take an electric shock every time he curses really says a lot about his character.”

Guillen has yet to determine whether the V-chip would be a permanent installation, or just temporary until he straightens himself out.

“I don’t fucking know. It fucking depends,” the White Sox manager told SSNN. “If the thing’s working, then I may just leave it the fuck in. But I’m going to look pretty fucking stupid if one of those shit-for-brains umpires blows a call, and I run out there to fucking argue with him, and it looks like I’m having fucking seizures because the god damn microchip keeps fucking shocking me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!