Group of Russian NHL players set to block new MLS ruling

WASHINGTON, DC — A formidable assembly of both current and former NHL players gathered before the governing body of Major League Soccer Monday morning, where they plan to protest the implementation of a new MLS ruling that would all but eliminate diving in American professional soccer.

For years now, both league officials and players have come under smothering public scrutiny, mainly targeted at the propensity of MLS players to purposely engage in elaborate exaggerations of fouls – and in some cases injuries – in hopes of either inducing the referee to penalize the opponent or gaining favorable field position.

Washington Capitals center and 19-year NHL veteran Sergei Fedorov has designated himself spokesperson for the picketing body, which is primarily comprised of Russian-born players. He says the new ruling would not only strip the sport of soccer of the element of drama that has fueled its worldwide appeal, but also greatly expose a grave weakness found in footballers around the world.

“Soccer players have always been physiologically weak and frail by nature,” explained Federov, who – like many other natives of Russia – claims soccer as a life-long passion. “This new ruling stands to virtually eliminate the modern soccer athlete as we have come to know it, in both the United States and abroad. You’re talking about radically altering how the game of soccer is played all over the world. It would suddenly become a contact sport, and I – as a skinny, weak Russian hockey player – don’t appreciate the contact.

“Look at the run we had in Detroit with the Red Wings in the mid-to-late 90’s,” Federov continued. “It got to the point where we were so good at diving, and we were getting so many power plays that the NHL stepped in and made rules to hamper our style of play. As you can clearly see, the game of hockey has never been the same, and that’s what will happen to the MLS if this initiative goes through.”

Fedorov’s former teammate in Detroit, Vladimir Konstantinov, agrees that the ruling, which is scheduled to be voted upon early next week, would surely detriment the world’s most beloved sport, similar to the way it hurt professional hockey in America. But he also approaches the issue with the assumption that the aggregate entertainment value of soccer, particularly in America, would take a hit as well.

“I think it’s unfortunate that the MLS is looking to take away the purity of the game from those ten or so fans in America who actually give a shit about soccer,” the retired defenseman said. “The rest of us – the fans like me, I mean – would prefer that diving remain in the game of soccer so we have some reason to watch a match. I enjoy anticipating what kind of over-the-top swan dive Taylor Twellman might pull in a close game, or how long Landon Donovan will hold his knee and grimace after he trips over his shoelaces. You can make prop bets on those sorts of things, you know?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!