Fukudome spends all night preparing appeal for Cubs kangaroo court

TUCSON, AZ — Kosuke Fukudome was exhausted this morning, after spending the entire night in the University of Arizona law library studying the American legal system in preparation for a planned appeal of a judgment handed down upon him by the Cubs clubhouse kangaroo court.

Kangaroo courts, long a tradition in MLB clubhouses, hold mock trials and hand out silly penalties as a way of encouraging camaraderie and bonding among major league players. The penalties usually range from having to carry other players’ bags, to not getting to choose the music for the clubhouse.

Fukudome was “tried” before the Cubs kangaroo court two weeks ago, charged with the “offense” of having “never played in the Major Leagues before 2008.” His translator was barred from the room, and Fukudome – forced to represent himself with a limited English vocabulary – was found guilty and ordered to pay a penalty of bringing sunflower seeds to Aramis Ramirez and Derrek Lee for four weeks in a row.

“I am appealing this absolute injustice on the basis of the fact that the laws of Japan and the laws of the United States were both violated by this atrocity of a trial,” Fukudome stated in a written letter of appeal to the Cubs committee of three magistrates – Carlos Zambrano, Derrek Lee, and Bobby Howry. “I demand that I am heard for an immediate appeal of this unfair punishment, and I hope that if my name is cleared, it will be done with the same force that you have used in sullying it.”

Some of Fukudome’s new teammates were confused.

“I’m not sure he’s really clear on what’s happening here,” said Derrek Lee. “We were just trying to find a way to include him with the rest of the team without being totally racist. We had no clue that he was going to take it so damn seriously.”

However, the Cubs’ magistrates are going to hear the case, and have agreed to let Fukudome bring an interpreter, at his own expense. Fukudome is positive that he’s going to win his appeal.

“Now that I have my legal team in place, and a solid defense planned, I’m sure that I will be victorious,” Fukudome told SSNN. “The blood of 1,000 broken hearts will rain down upon the Cubs’ clubhouse!”

In the meantime, however, Howry has some plans of his own for Fukudome.

“I’m thinking that maybe after he ‘wins’ his appeal, we’ll try him again, for being from Japan,” Howry said. “No way he can defend against that. Maybe our settlement can be forcing him to rename himself Ichiro.”

Cubs manager Lou Piniella is just happy that his team is bonding with their new teammate. Piniella coached Ichiro in Seattle when the now-perennial All-Star first made the transition to MLB, and says he sees similarities between the Mariners outfielder and the Cubs rookie.

“I think Fukudome is doing great so far. He’s an awful lot like Ichiro – on the field and off,” Piniella said. “I’m not saying he’s gonna have 200 hits or anything, but this kangaroo court thing reminds me of Ichy when he first came over. Of course, in Seattle they got sick of messing with him pretty quick, and Edgar Martinez just farted on his head and called it a day. In Chicago, Carlos and Howry love the mind games – this could go on all year.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!