Florida State to introduce “Three R’s” major

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Last winter, the Florida State University football team went through yet another scandal when numerous players were suspended for cheating on a test. When the Seminoles played the University of Kentucky at the Music City Bowl on New Year’s Eve, they were short 36 players (though a few of those players were left out due to injury).

Due to this and recent other embarrassments, the school has decided to make a change, and will offer students a new major beginning next fall. It’s tentatively being called the “Three R’s” major; with the R’s standing for reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic.

The new major is reportedly going to be made available to all students, but insiders say it was really created for members of the football team and other sports to finally have an academic program they can feel comfortable with.

“Really, this is for our football players,” said one source with knowledge of the proceedings. “We were concerned about the difficulty of having to be both a college student and a member of the squad. For a lot of the people we recruit, that’s a serious problem. The student part, anyway.”

While numerous critics – both on campus and outside the university – have spoken out against the new major, university officials see it as a solution to a problem.

“College is tough, and these players deserve a break since they bring so much money to our school,” said an administrator who spoke with SSNN on the condition of anonymity. “Do you truly expect them to study Thoreau in the morning and then go out to football practice in the afternoon? And even if they do, do you expect them to make any sense out of Thoreau? We can only ask so much.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!