First grade class arrested for gambling on NCAA Tournament

WASHINGTON D.C. — Numerous law enforcement agencies collaborated Friday to take down what they called a major gambling ring going on in the nation’s capital.

Agents from the FBI, ATF and local police arrested 24 first graders from Washington Elementary School, along with their teacher, Mrs. Hooper. The class was arrested for gambling with NCAA Tournament brackets – using gold stars and smiley faces as currency – a practice that law enforcement officials say is becoming more and more prevalent.

Lawyers for the first graders and Hooper say that while gold stars were handed out for correct picks, the students were really using the brackets to learn math skills. According to a statement released by the defense attorneys, the class practiced addition and subtraction using the scores of the games and the seeds of the teams that were competing.

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FBI Agent Jerry Tophat claims it went deeper than that. “They are using learning as an excuse, when the truth is that these kids and their irresponsible whore of a teacher were partaking in an illegal gambling ring. These children were rewarded for making correct picks – I simply don’t care what the currency was.”

These arrests are part of a greater focus towards cracking down on gambling during the NCAA Tournament, an FBI official told SSNN. “We want to let people know that gambling is illegal, and will not be tolerated in any form.”

The agency decided to raid this class of first graders not only to make an example of them, but to stop the children from becoming bigger gamblers later in life. According to the official, who spoke with SSNN on the condition of anonymity, NCAA Tournament pools have been identified as a major gateway gambling event among pre-teens.

“First, it’s gold stars; then maybe they bet dinner on something. Before you know it, these kids will be addicted to gambling on anything and everything. And the process was starting. Reliable sources have indicated that students from Mrs. Hooper’s class were beginning to bet on who could drink their milk the fastest at lunchtime. They were using chocolate pudding as currency. I think our work in shutting down this illegal gambling ring has effectively nipped in the bud the inevitable gambling addiction of as many as 24 children. Mission accomplished.”