Ferrell to lend hand in new Gatorade flavor

“The Board of Trustees at Gatorade certainly hope Jackie M— er, I mean Mr. Ferrell will agree to our offer to head up the comprehensive development process of our newest creation – Gland Juice – which is a sweat-flavored sports drink that successfully puts back what the body loses when you perspire,” Gatorade spokesman Darren Stoltz said at a press conference Friday. “For years, Gatorade has prided itself on providing athletes and fat people alike with delicious, vitamin-laced beverages that supposedly replenish the body with the precious electrolytes that are expended during a workout. However, after much research, we have discovered that not one person on the face of this planet emits red or orange-colored perspiration; nobody’s sweat comes in a variety of yummy fruit flavors. I know our commercials say otherwise, but it’s simply not true.”

Stoltz went on to say that top-level officials at Gatorade were amply impressed by Ferrell’s perspiration prowess – as portrayed in his recent series of commercials for Old Spice antiperspirant deodorant – and an offer was extended shortly after the first ad was run on Super Bowl Sunday.

“I guess what ultimately sealed the deal was the fact that Mr. Ferrell claims to be a sweat scientist,” Stoltz later told SSNN. “It’s instant credibility. That was extremely appealing to our corporation.”

Gatorade’s official press release confirmed Mr. Stoltz’s assertions. The sports drink giant seems to expect big things from Ferrell.

“Gatorade is relying on Mr. Ferrell and his sweat expertise to lead us into the next generation of sports beverage hydration technology. We believe that this new, revolutionary product will radically change the way people view their workouts. We expect it to be nearly as satisfying as drinking Will Ferrell’s sweat directly from the pores. The average consumer may not necessarily like the salty flavor when compared to our other drinks, but I assure you this product will put a stop to the long, embarrassing tradition of the multi-colored perspiration myth.”

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Labels: Gatorade, Jackie Moon, Old Spice, Semi-Pro, sweat, Will Ferrell

Posted on March 7th, 2008

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