Febreze to launch new line of sports-related scents

CINCINNATI, OH — Procter and Gamble announced today that they will release a new line of sports-related scents in May. Mariah Standish, a spokeswoman for the Febreze brand of air fresheners, said in a press conference that four scents will be included in the initial roll out – locker room, dugout, race track pits and sweaty shoe.

“The Febreze brand is excited about this opportunity,” Standish said. “Now anyone can have a living room that smells like it’s full of sweaty athletes. Or, if you like, you can have a bathroom that smells like tobacco spit and sunflower seeds, or a kitchen that smells like gasoline vapors and burnt tires. Basically, we’re allowing you to be a part of the action.”

Febreze will aggressively market their new products, with a series of commercials featuring star athletes will soon to be filmed. Details have yet to be worked out, but the company is hopeful that several star athletes will be a part of the process.

“We haven’t finalized exactly who’s going to be in the commercials, but it’s going to be big,” Standish assured SSNN. “Peyton Manning is an obvious choice, since he’s in every commercial. But we want to get athletes from all the major sports. And maybe a hockey player.”

Manning could not be reached for comment. NASCAR driver Tony Stewart, however, was excited about the new fragrances and told SSNN that his representatives are in negotiations to place him as the NASCAR driver in the new commercial campaign.

“Well, I do about a thousand races a year, so obviously I can’t get enough of that methane smell. I’ll be spraying it in my house constantly,” Stewart said. “People don’t realize I’m as big a commercial whore as Manning is. All of the NASCAR guys are; it’s just harder to find people that want us in their commercials. Plus, this is a product that I would actually use.”

ESPN baseball analyst John Kruk, a former major leaguer, has already turned down an offer to star in a commercial for the dugout scent.

“I just think the concept is ridiculous,” Kruk said. “A fart is a sports-related scent. Why would you want to cover it up with some sort of fake dugout smell?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!