Fantasy draft gone awry leaves one dead, two injured

BRONX, NY — Police discovered a grisly scene at an uptown New York apartment complex over the weekend, when a fantasy baseball gathering turned violent, leaving two men injured and another one dead.

Richard Molenkompf III, 25, was pronounced dead at the scene due to self-inflicted injuries, while two other men – Clyde Daniels, 23, and Bob Jergenson, 25 – were transported to an area hospital. Both were reported in stable condition.

The group of 12 males had gathered at the apartment to conduct their annual fantasy baseball draft. According to surviving members, drafts have never before resulted in death, and in fact the only injury in eight previous years came when a drunken Jergenson walked through a well-cleaned, glass balcony door.

“We were having a great time. The beer was flowing, we were talking trash, debating trades – it was like Christmas,” said Doug Roberts, the commissioner of the league. “Then that asshole Molenkompf ruined everything.”

The fun-filled afternoon began to take on a darker dimension when Molenkompf became enraged after David Wright was selected #2 overall.

“Rich was picking third, and he really, really, REALLY wanted Wright,” Roberts explained. “He’s had this growing… obsession, I guess you’d call it, since 2003. Anyway, when Bob took him at #2, Rich just snapped.”

“We all thought it was funny at first. And of course, we were pretty lit, so we were heckling the shit out of him,” said another league member, who asked to remain nameless. “Rich just kept screaming and demanding a trade. In his defense, I’m pretty sure Bob only drafted Wright to fuck with him. I mean, the right pick there is clearly Hanley Ramirez.”

Everyone thought the issue had been resolved when Molenkompf abruptly left the apartment, apparently to go sit in his car.

“I told him we’d call him when it was his turn to pick,” Roberts said.

But he did not stay in the car long.

According to eyewitness reports, Molenkompf came charging through the door about 10 minutes later, “wearing nothing but a Wright jersey tied around his neck, a pair of Mets boxers on his head, and a wooden bat in his hand.”

“He was singing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ in this loud, monotone voice and bashing up my place,” said Bryan Doggs, the angry host of the draft. “The crazy fucker put a hole right through my plasma.”

After taking out his anger on the few valuables located in the residence, Molenkompf then turned his attention to his fellow league-mates.

“Obviously, he went after Bob first. He had this glassy, half-drunk, half-crazed look in his eye, and I think he said something like, ‘David Wright gives me the strength,’ before he cracked Bob in the shoulder,” Commissioner Roberts told SSNN. “It was crazy, crazy stuff, man.”

Eventually Molenkompf’s bat broke in two, but not before he managed to land a few more blows on stunned league members. According to league members, what happened next was “right out of a Stephen King novel.”

Grabbing the severed handle of the bat, the former bank employee held it high in the air, screamed the name of his favorite player three times, and plunged the jagged end into his jugular. Medics were unable to revive him, citing massive blood loss as a result.

“The biggest question I have is what’s going to happen to his players?” one owner told SSNN. “Do they go back into the free agent pool, or are we just going to get someone to take his place? Cuz I know this guy from work who really knows his shit.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!