Fan says he was greeted by former NFL commish at Wal-Mart

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — Terry McCulloch refers to himself as nothing short of a die-hard football fan, and says his Sundays from early September clear through January are spent surfing his Direct TV Sunday Ticket, while dodging incessant complaining on the part of his wife, Diane.

But McCulloch is also quick to admit that his life’s passion encountered a dark phase in 1995, when former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue snubbed McCulloch’s native Virginia Beach’s bid for a professional franchise, awarding the new expansion team to the city of Jacksonville. Imagine McCulloch’s mix of surprise, joy and disdain, then, when the 38-year-old corrections officer recently crossed paths with Tagliabue at an area Wal-Mart.

“It was like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone. I walked through the sliding glass doors and there’s Tagliabue staring and smiling at me with one those bright blue vests on,” McCulloch recalls of Sunday’s encounter. “He was even wearing one of those yellow smiley face buttons. And it seemed like he took his job seriously, because he had about ten of those damn buttons splattered all over that ugly-ass vest.”

McCulloch told SSNN shortly after the incident transpired that he didn’t even recognize the former commissioner initially, even though he readily admitted to having a “hate shrine” in the corner of his basement dedicated to his “true mortal enemy.”

“I guess it’s been almost thirteen now years since Tagliabue decided to screw over the good people of Virginia. Heck, I haven’t even added anything to that shrine since Goodell took over. Tagliabue looks a bit different now, compared to the person I saw in my nightmares nearly every night from ‘95-’98,” McCulloch told SSNN. “He looks a little bit rough and weathered. When I first walked in, I just assumed he was your average senior citizen Wal-Mart greeter.”

After picking up the items on his shopping list, McCulloch said the rage he has been so adept at holding in during the last few years slowly began to surface, and eventually escalated to the point where he found himself perusing unfamiliar aisles and sections of the store in an anger-induced stupor. In what he now calls a ‘blurry and foggy’ recollection of his visit to the store, McCulloch said he explicitly remembers walking throughout the hunting section - a wing of the store he rarely even passes - and consulting with an employee about the effectiveness and range of an array of different firearms.

“I couldn’t tell you why I was looking at those guns. I think I even looked at a bow and arrow combo, too,” the father of three confessed. “The only explanation I can come up with would be that I somehow got warped back in time to 1995 when I saw Taglibue standing at that front door, and all that emotion just came flooding back. I would never shoot anybody. I’m not that kind of person, although I do have to occasionally shoot someone at work. It would be nice, though, to at least look into buying a taser, or something like that, so I could give Tagliabue a little jolt on my way out, you know? I don’t want to kill the old man; he’s close to dying already. But I want it to be just enough to let him know the whole State of Virginia still resents him for what he did to us.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!