ESPN commissions gold statue of UNC’s Hansbrough

BRISTOL, CT — In a widely anticipated move, ESPN has commissioned an artist to create a 10-foot tall, solid gold statue of North Carolina forward Tyler Hansbrough.

“We just felt that this was the right thing to do,” said an executive with the worldwide leader, on the condition of anonymity. “Tyler Hansbrough represents everything college basketball should be about, and this is one way to recognize that. We don’t feel as though he has received nearly enough attention from us or other national outlets, so we made the decision to go ahead and get the gold statue made. We initially wanted to do it in platinum, but [company president] Mr. Bodenheimer decided that would be a bit over the top.”

This is the second college basketball-themed statue that ESPN has commissioned. The first was of Duke head basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski, although that effigy was cut from imported Italian marble.

The golden statue of Hansbrough is going to have a unique look, according to the source at ESPN.

“This statue will be great. The base will be solid gold, but there will be diamonds in there as well. His eyes will be the traditional clear diamonds, but his uniform will be made out of thousands of light blue diamonds.”

When statue is completed, SSNN has learned that it will come to rest at a prominent spot on the set of the studio where “College Gameday” is filmed, and not too far from the Krzyzewski statue, which is kept in analyst Dick Vitale’s office.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!