Daly to play supporting role in Beerfest sequel

NAPLES, FL — Embattled professional golfer John Daly scored a victory of sorts off the course Wednesday, as sources close to the former British Open champion tell SSNN that Daly has accepted an offer from Paramount Pictures to play a small but vital role in the upcoming film Beerfest 2, a sequel to the wildly successful story of a group of beer-loving Americans who enter a drinking competition in Germany.

Since his burst onto the PGA scene in 1991 – when he came out of obscurity to win the PGA Championship – Daly has been the target of public scrutiny for his bad habits, which include drinking, smoking and gambling. Most recently, the rotund, long-driving major winner received a very public tongue-lashing from his coach, Hank Haney.

“John will seldom fail to go 18 holes without putting down a twelve pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon,” Haney said after Daly finished in last place at last month’s Honda Classic. “It’s apparent that alcohol has a direct – not to mention dire – effect on his scorecard from week to week, and I mean literally. One time I looked at his card after he had completed a round, and I couldn’t read a damn thing because he was completely blitzed for nearly 15 holes. It looked like a kindergartner had written down his scores for him.

“But, perhaps, the acting world will sober John up a little bit. I mean, he can’t possibly drink as much in a movie called ‘Beerfest’ as he would at, say, the Masters, can he?”

PGA head honcho Tim Finchem didn’t exactly echo Haney’s sentiments, but he still took a positive spin on the situation. The commissioner apparently believes that Daly’s move to the big screen will exponentially boost the popularity of the game by radically reforming the public’s view of many of the tour’s players.

“With the exception of Tiger, it’s a proven fact that a majority of the country’s golf fans see many of our players as ‘girlie men,’ who would rather sip a glass of aged merlot than suck down a couple Budweiser longnecks,” Finchem said, smiling over the tour’s potentially manlier image. “If I was directing this movie, I’d make sure John had something to drink in front of him at all times, whether the camera was rolling or not. The more beer John drinks, the better we, as a tour, look.”

Finchem also took a moment to personally reach out to Daly, calling the troubled tour pro “wise” for accepting the movie deal, and making it a point to wish Daly all the best in his new venture.

“I have to congratulate John on his decision to star in Beerfest 2. My sources tell me that the people in his hometown of Cordova, Tenn. have recently expressed grave concern that John’s professional golf career has prevented him from fully pursuing his rebellious lifestyle, one filled with hard liquor and easy women,” Finchem said, referring to a story SSNN initially reported on Friday. “Now John has the chance to grow both professionally and as a person; maybe this gig will allow John to clear his head and get on the right track, by doing what he does best. And that’s guzzling suds out of a huge glass boot for the sake of competition. The PGA Tour wishes John all the best, and I want him to know we’ll be right here to welcome him back with open arms, no matter how drunk he appears to be.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!