Cubs outfielder Pie exhibiting signs of severe separation anxiety

PHOENIX, AZ — The Cubs are facing some major personnel decisions in the next few weeks, and one of the biggest questions deals with whether they ought to install Felix Pie as their permanent center fielder and leadoff man. Unfortunately for the Cubs, that decision may ultimately be made for them by a troubling off-the-field problem.

“We’ve got a real situation developing with the kid, Pie,” said Cubs manager Lou Piniella. “Apparently, he’s just a pup, and if we leave him behind – like if we have a split squad game, or if part of the team goes out to take some grounders, or even if we have a pitchers and catchers meeting or something, his separation anxiety gets real bad. Like, real bad.”

According to Piniella, Pie starts by pacing the clubhouse repeatedly, and then begins to drool excessively.

“It’s pretty disgusting,” Piniella said. “I mean, when you have a grown man stand and pant for two hours, he’s going to produce an awful lot of drool. To be honest, I’m a little afraid he’s gonna stroke out one of these days.”

Piniella thought he’d solved the problem by placing a towel underneath Pie, but that solution was short lived, as Pie almost immediately began shredding the towels.

“We’d come back from going to get some lunch or something, and there’s Pie, and he’s soaked to all hell, and he’s shredded the living shit out of the towel,” Piniella said. “And the irony of it is that we need the damn towels to dry him off. So now we’ve barely got enough towels to use in the clubhouse. Plus, that stuff is expensive.”

Piniella said he consulted a local doctor, as well as Cesar Millan, television’s Dog Whisperer, in order to get some advice. “Cesar had some pretty good advice for me,” Piniella said. “Basically he said that Felix is having some separation anxiety. So we have to work with him. I need him to understand that I’m the pack leader, and that I do what I want, and he comes along for the ride.

“Cesar said I should give Felix exercise, and discipline, and only then should I give him affection,” Piniella said. “I was doing it all wrong. I was praising him first, and then trying to discipline him. That won’t work – I realize that now.”

The Cubs new plan for Pie involves the young center fielder working out for several hours in the morning. Only then are the Cubs trying to leave him alone in the clubhouse. Early indications are that the plan is working.

“He gets so tuckered after the morning workouts that he just basically goes to sleep,” Piniella said. “It’s working well, I hope it continues. We can’t keep buying new towels.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!