Cowboys hire Michael Irvin to counsel troubled players

DALLAS, TX — Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has a new resource at his disposal to help him deal with players who violate the law.

Reports out of Dallas say that Jones has hired former Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin in an advisory capacity with the team. Irvin’s primary responsibility will be to counsel troubled players, such as defensive tackle Tank Johnson, when they get in trouble with the law.

Irvin is a Hall-of-Fame wide receiver who finished his career tenth on the all-time receptions list and won three Super Bowls with the Cowboys. He is also known for his several arrests, including a famous bust for cocaine in 1996, on his 30^th birthday. His vast experience with legal proceedings led Jones to seek him out for his new role with the team.

“Well, Michael’s been arrested several times, obviously, and he has yet to receive any sort of real punishment from the law,” Jones explained. “Even when he was arrested back in ‘96 with all that blow – and let me tell you, it was a lot of blow – he’s always gotten away with it. Plus, it never really seemed to hurt his on-field performance. He’s basically the perfect role model for a young, law-breaking player.”

Hiring Irvin seems to confirm that the Cowboys are closer to a deal for Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones, who is expected to return to the league after a one-year suspension for various crimes and misdemeanors.

“Well, it’s not just for that,” Jones told SSNN. “We’ve also got Tank Johnson. Hell, you never when one of these guys will get arrested. Having Michael around should help them keep out of jail for anything short of murder.”

Among the duties of Irvin’s new position will be running a seminar with rookies, making an instructional video, and having players rehearse what they will say when arrested.

“When I got arrested in 1996, the only thing I could think to say was ‘Do you know who I am?’ I was so young and stupid,” Irvin said. “Now that I have all this experience with being arrested, it seems only fitting for me to pass that knowledge on. That and my Rolodex of lawyers.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!