Cornell students get laid because of sports for first time

ITHACA, NY — For the first time in recorded human history, students at Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y. are getting laid because of sports.

Following the Big Red’s clinching of an automatic bid to the NCAA tournament, there were two instances where students had intercourse that was inspired – directly or indirectly – by the school’s athletic prowess.

“Yes, we can confirm that in two cases, students made love on Sunday in reaction to the success of our athletic teams,” said Dean of Students Kent Hubbell. “Needless to say, the faculty is ecstatic. As usual, Cornell continues its wonderful growth as an institution of higher learning and well-rounded individuals.”

In one case, the coital activities were a direct result of the action, as seven-foot center Jeff Foote “totally nailed” a sophomore from his dorm, Monica Nelson. Nelson, who is an avid basketball fan, goes to all the games. When she saw Foote at a frat party last night, she made herself available.

“It was pretty easy,” Foote told SSNN. “She just sort of came up to me and said, ‘I want to go home with you.’ It was awesome, actually. I felt like a really tall, smart, white version of Tracy McGrady.”

The other instance of romance was more exciting for the staff of the University. According to reports, 20-year-old junior Desiree Williamson slept with her boyfriend of two months, Matt Dimon, for the first time this weekend.

“I am not entirely sure why she chose this weekend, but I’m pretty sure it was because of the basketball team,” Dimon said. “She was pretty excited about going dancing on Saturday night. But when we were out, she got a text alert about us whooping up on Harvard and getting the tournament bid; then all of a sudden she’s all over me. Let me tell you – it was a magical night.”

The administration is rejoicing at the news. Many hope this cataclysmic event brings about a permanent change in the atmosphere surrounding sex and sports at Cornell.

“Listen – hopeless, non-athletic saps are getting laid all the time by alcohol-fueled sluts at places like Auburn and Oklahoma,” said Dean Hubbell. “All those girls need is a win over a Top 25 team and their clothes come off. It used to be different here, but the times are changing; and I, for one, am thrilled. Go Big Red!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!