Congressmen drafted by Brewers, ordered to bat against Randy Johnson

PHOENIX, AZ — Congressmen Elijah Cummings (D-MD) and Henry Waxman (D-CA) have been drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers and ordered to suit up for Friday’s exhibition contest against the Arizona Diamondbacks, where they will be compelled to bat against an angry Randy Johnson.

Perhaps not coincidentally, Reps. Cummings and Waxman are senior members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which has compelled appearances from several baseball players and executives over the past four years on the subject of steroid abuse.

“On Friday, these two wily Congressmen will finally get a taste of their own medicine, when they are forced to ‘testify’ in the batter’s box before thousands of fans, against an angry Randy Johnson,” said baseball commissioner Bud Selig, who ordered the unusual draft. “We’ve been starving Johnson for days, just so you know. He’s never been angrier.”

“If there’s one thing I hate more than the New York media, it’s whiny liberal politicians,” said Johnson. “My slider’s been behaving pretty badly lately, if you read me.”

“We continue to spend billions of dollars a week in Iraq, our economy is on the brink of collapse, and one in every five children in America lives in poverty,” Waxman said. “And Mr. Selig wants to waste Congress’ time by forcing us to play a child’s game on Friday against a possibly deranged Randy Johnson? It defies reason.”

“I’m not even going to point out the hypocrisy of Mr. Waxman’s statement,” Selig responded. “How does a committee of government reform even end up with oversight power over our sport? Seriously, can anyone explain that to me?”

Responding to Cummings’ earlier expression of shock that baseball’s draft has the power to compel individuals to play in major league games, Johnson responded, “Welcome to my hell, bitch.”

“You guys should have thought about that before you granted us that antitrust exemption,” Selig cackled as he briefly assumed the image of a six-headed panther.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!