Congress to investigate sports clichés

WASHINGTON, DC — With sequels doing so well at the movie box office, Congress has decided to put on another installment of its wildly successful series of investigations into professional sports. This time, the Committee for Government Oversight and Reform will be looking into the obnoxious and overbearing tradition of clichés in sports.

“This investigation is long overdue. For years the use of clichés in sports has run rampant, and I think it’s time Congress looked into it. We’re going to bring our A-game to this investigation,” said Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), the Chairman of the Committee. “We haven’t decided exactly when the hearings will be. We’re just going to take it one day at a time.”

Waxman did reveal that a principal target of the investigation is Detroit Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace. Wallace is well known in sports journalism circles for his rampant use of clichés.

“The sort of dismissive attitude Mr. Wallace constantly displays is exactly why we’re having this investigation,” Waxman said. “The fans have a right to know what is on an athlete’s mind. Now, it’s possible there isn’t anything on Rasheed’s mind, but we have a right to know that, too.”

In addition to the rights of fans, Waxman also cited the contributions the sideline reporting industry makes to the US economy – “It’s going to take a total team effort to get us back on track. The sideline reporting industry employs dozens of people who are doing their jobs as best they can. If we don’t save this industry, what else will Jimmy Roberts do?”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell took a tone of resignation when told of another Congressional inquiry involving his league.

“It is what it is,” Goodell told reporters. “Both sides are still feeling each other out.”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig took a different view, welcoming further inquiries. “Look, I got rid of steroids; I might as well get rid of clichés too. Now that Congress has drawn first blood, we’ll just keep working towards our goals.”

Sources close to the investigation have told SSNN they expect the process to go down to the wire, with hearings to commence when Congress reconvenes in the fall.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!