Clinton selects Lenny Dykstra as running mate

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Hoping to regain the upper hand in the fight for the Democratic presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton today selected former Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Lenny Dykstra as her running mate. The surprise move was announced in a press conference Wednesday at the National Constitution Center, the site where Barack Obama delivered his landmark speech on race in America just a day earlier.

“Lenny Dykstra is not only a hero to millions of hardworking Pennsylvanians,” Clinton said in her announcement, “He has also demonstrated his business acumen by opening a chain of successful Southern California car washes. And through the wisdom he’s shared with the nation in his daily column for TheStreet.com, he has proven that he has what it takes to steward our economy through these precarious times.”

Clinton’s speech was twice interrupted by hecklers yelling “Sterrrroids!” However, it was unclear if the hecklers were referring to Dykstra or Clinton.

“Hillary is nails,” Dykstra said, when asked why he chose Clinton over Obama, who reportedly also heavily courted Dykstra for the number two spot. “Obama might be a good set-up man, but America needs a closer.”

Dykstra then discussed at length how he supports Clinton’s positions on foreign policy.

“Nothing against Iraq, but there’s not gonna be any more Iraqs under Hillary, dude,” Dykstra said. “And she’s promised to listen to my ideas about harnessing my ability to travel between worlds.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!