CIA offers Yanks announcer job

WASHINGTON, DC — New York Yankees radio play-by-play announcer John Sterling will be splitting time this upcoming season between his booth in the Bronx, where he has broadcasted games since 1989, and his new position in the nation’s capitol.

Reports released early Monday morning indicate Sterling, who has before admitted to having an extreme and long-standing interest in covert government operations, is prepared to agree to an employment contract with the Central Intelligence Agency. Sources close to both parties were able to confirm the reports by late Monday afternoon, shortly after contract details were finalized.

“I am here today to announce that the CIA has, in fact, reached an agreement with legendarily annoying Yanks play-by-play man, John Sterling,” CIA spokesman Mark Mansfield told members of the Pentagon press. “We do not yet know the full extent to which John will participate in ensuring this nation’s security, but we certainly intend to have him help in extracting highly classified foreign intelligence from suspected terrorists by annoying the shit out of them.

“Forget water boarding or pulling Bin Laden’s fingernails out; from this point on, we’re administering a harsher, more effective form of torture. I can picture putting Al-Qaeda leaders in a dark, musty prison cell with Sterling, where he would recite the Meow Mix cat food or Vonage theme song over and over again until they cracked. Or we might just have him recall all of Alex Rodriguez’s 54 dingers from last season. That would be enough to drive anyone to talk.”

Sterling’s enthusiasm and antics in the broadcast booth are notorious across the league, and he has made a name for himself with his dramatic and – some would say – over-the-top home run calls over the years. But Sterling says he relishes the opportunity to silence his detractors while effectively serving his country, protecting America from the threats posed by international terrorism.

“First off, let me just express how pleased I am to be given the chance to serve my country using my sexy radio voice,” Sterling told SSNN via phone, as he made his way to Arizona for a Yankees spring training game. “People having been telling me for years how rough I can be on the ears, and now I can put that ability to work for our country. All the little euphemisms I have come up with over the years – like, ‘It’s an A-Bomb from A-Rod,’ or when I call Jason Giambi the ‘Giambino’ – these are just an extension of my love for the Yanks. Now, I get the chance to show that same love for my country. I’m prepared to go as far and be as annoying as I can to get the information the government needs.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!