Celtics sign E.T. to make Cassell comfortable

BOSTON, MA — In an effort to bolster their depth at guard, the Boston Celtics signed Sam Cassell on Tuesday, less than a week after he was waived by the Los Angeles Clippers. To ensure they did everything they could to make him feel as comfortable as possible in his new surroundings, the team took the unusual approach of also signing a relative of the veteran point guard – first cousin E.T.

“We’ve been eying Sam for a while now, but the idea to sign E.T. didn’t come up until over the weekend,” said Boston GM Danny Ainge. “We were talking about how to ease Sam into the Boston experience; just to make him feel at home, you know? Somebody suggested bringing in a relative, and – actually this is a little embarrassing, because I actually thought Sam was descended from hammerhead sharks, and I was worried about where we’d put the tank at the Fleet Center. But anyway, we got that all worked out and we’re just happy that E.T. was ultimately willing to sign for a lifetime supply of Reese’s Pieces. Turns out that doesn’t even count against our salary cap number, so it’s like a freeroll.”

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For his part, Cassell seemed grateful for the chance to be around family.

“Me and E, we’ve always been really close,” Cassell told SSNN. “He’s technically my cousin, but to me he’s more like a brother. We do everything together – like when we were little, we used to scare the hell out of people by levitating, or making our fingers light up. Good times.”

Signing E.T. wasn’t only about making Cassell feel at home, though. SSNN has confirmed that the Celtics’ new addition is particularly helpful in treating injuries, and somehow increases the vertical leap of many Boston players.

“We love him,” said Kevin Garnett. “I was trying to get over this nagging rib problem, and he just touched me with this finger, and all of a sudden, the pain was gone. Then the other day at practice, Big Baby got like a minute and a half of hangtime on a dunk; that had to be Lil’ E. He’s a cool little dude, and faster than you think. I hope he’s found a permanent home here in Boston.”