CBS’ Johnson being sued over catchphrase

PONTE VEDRA, FL — College basketball announcer Gus Johnson stood on the steps of a Florida courthouse as he prepared for the fight of his life or, at the very least, one that will threaten his national identity.

Sources close to Johnson tell SSNN that the International Biathlon Union, in accordance with the desires of its 10 members, is seeking a class action lawsuit against the popular CBS analyst and play-by-play man, and that both parties assembled at the St. John’s County courthouse for initial proceedings Wednesday.

The IBU contests Johnson has caused the union “substantial and irreparable damage” to its reputation through his repeated use of the “rise and fire” catch phrase that has come to define him as one of the most recognizable figures in sports broadcasting.

“The IBU has owned the slogan ‘rise and fire’ for years now, and we think it’s about time to reclaim it once again as our own,” said union president Anders Besseberg, shortly before the proceedings. “Mr. Johnson has had his fun. Now it’s time to show the sports world that the International Biathlon Union will not take shit from anybody.”

Despite the biathlon’s maturation as a competitive sporting event, the fact remains biathlon followers have been hard to come by recently, especially in the United States. Nonetheless, Bessemer vehemently accuses Johnson of defacing the integrity of the sport by utilizing the phrase “rise and fire” in relation to what he calls a “barbaric display of American athletic supremacy.”

“Basketball is not even a real sport. A trained circus bear could throw a tiny orange ball through a cylinder. It’s prehistoric. Try skiing your ass 5,000 feet through the Alp, until your legs feel like noodles, then crouching down to pump shell after shell into a rotating target. That’ll put hair on your chest, boy. But you have to rise slightly before you fire; everyone knows that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!