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CBS execs to begin giving Nantz testosterone injections

DETROIT, MI — CBS announced Wednesday it will be taking unprecedented measures to further improve the already stellar television ratings generated by its coverage of the NCAA tournament.

A source within the major television network, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, told SSNN that CBS President Leslie Moonves, with the support of his team of executives, has devised a plan that would call for regular testosterone injections to be administered to the network’s multi-faceted personality and lead tournament play-by-play man, Jim Nantz. The result of the new initiative stands to make Nantz more “excitable,” and “appealing to the younger male demographic” in the days leading up to the final rounds of the men’s tournament.

“Please don’t mistake this most recent attempt at grabbing improved ratings for the idea that Leslie and his gang of henchmen dislike Mr. Nantz. The bigwigs here at CBS have never really liked Jim, but they’ve never disliked him. Does that make sense?” the source said, by way of explanation. “While CBS more than appreciates all of Jim’s hard work on a number of assignments, many people simply feel that Mr. Nantz could – for the sake of CBS’ profits – try to show a little more emotion during March Madness, like my man Gus Johnson, or even Billy Packer. Billy has never been short on annoying, emotionally-charged commentary, even though he’s about a step away from keeling over.

“Jim Nantz needs to jack it up a notch. Right now, with his present demeanor, the network feels he caters more to middle-aged, stay-at-home moms than young, boisterous fans of the hardwood.”

The testosterone injections, which the network source believes will be applied directly to Nantz’ buttocks everyday until the conclusion of the tournament on April 7, are expected create a deeper, more imposing presence that execs hope will bring a significant increase in viewership among males between the ages of 18-34, the all-important advertising demographic. But, as the source attests, network executives are also well aware of the potential dangers that such a high dosage could pose to Nantz’s body, and claim they will waste no time in “pulling the plug” following the championship game, in fear of jeopardizing the announcer’s “feminine, but pleasant golf voice,” and other harmful side effects.

“We at CBS think Jim Nantz sounds a bit like Martha Stewart when doing play-by-play for our basketball broadcasts – most notably those that take place during tournament time. The guys at the top would like to see him morph into more of a cross between Chuck Norris and Dick Vitale,” the source said of Nantz, who is scheduled to spearhead CBS’ coverage of The Masters only days after calling the National Championship game. “Okay, that’s a bad analogy, but you get my point – Jim can be womanly and boring. That works for The Masters, but for March Madness we just thought he needed a little extra juice.”

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Labels: Billy Packer, CBS, Chuck Norris, Dick Vitale, Gus Johnson, Jim Nantz, Leslie Moonves, March Madness, Martha Stewart, NCAA basketball, testosterone, The Masters

Posted on March 27th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

Masters to undergo major changes (April 10, 2007)
ESPN shuts down after running out of hair care products (May 28, 2008)
Durant confident Sonics will improve before conference play begins (November 12, 2007)
Curmudgeons unite over Packer firing (July 15, 2008)

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