Canseco’s testicles, Selig’s dour expression lead Cooperstown’s steroid exhibit

COOPERSTOWN, NY — The Baseball Hall of Fame announced today that it has begun planning for an exhibit on steroids.

The centerpiece of the exhibit will be a case displaying Jose Canseco’s shrunken testicles and Bud Selig’s face. Dale Petroskey, president of the Hall of Fame Museum, said the exhibit’s opening ceremony will be held on June 16, before the Hall of Fame Game between the Cubs and the Padres.

“We feel it’s time this issue was dealt with openly and honestly. It’s a part of the history of baseball and should be treated accordingly,” Petroskey said during a press conference early Friday. “These two pieces really sum up the steroid era in baseball. Obviously, with steroids running rampant in our sport for decades, there were a lot of options. But these two were deemed the most fitting.”

Among other items considered were Roger Clemens’ bloody buttocks and Barry Bonds’ oversized head. Both items were ultimately not included in the exhibit, but for different reasons.

“Having Clemens’ ass was seen as impractical, and Barry wouldn’t let us have his head,” Petroskey told SSNN. “Which is too bad, because we were going to put a normal-sized hat on it to emphasis just how massive it is.”

Plenty of memorabilia will be on display, however, including Rafael Palmeiro’s index finger, Sammy Sosa’s Spanish-English dictionary, and Mark McGwire’s dignity. The exhibit will also feature subpoenas and depositions from the various Congressional hearings held on performance enhancing drug use in baseball.

“We also have a fully-interactive display where fans can sit at a table in a replica of the room the hearings were held in and answer questions from Congressmen,” Petroskey said. “Fans will actually be able to decide whether they want the Democrats or Republicans to be inexplicably on their side, and then members of the other party will nail them to the wall. Figuratively, of course.”

But the real showcase of the exhibit will be Canseco’s testicles and Selig’s sourpuss expression. Petroskey acknowledged the practical difficulty of acquiring the items, but happily announced that the Hall has already taken care of the all the details.

“Getting Jose’s testicles was easy. He wasn’t even aware that he still had them. Mr. Selig’s face was more of a problem, but eventually a compromise was reached. The standard will be a wax replica – hideously beautiful, if I may say so myself. There will be a few special times during the year, however, when the commissioner will actually come and sit on display in a glass case,” Petroskey said. “He’s going to be here when the exhibit is opened, and stay for at least a week. From then on, Commissioner Selig has agreed to spend at least one month of the year on display, split into as many as four one-week appearances. He’s really looking forward to it.”

None of the involved parties would comment, except for Canseco, who announced plans to write a tell-all book about the exhibit.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!