At least two Walker personalities interested in comeback

AUGUSTA, GA — Former NFL running back Herschel Walker may very well have announced his bid for a comeback.

Walker, who retired in 1997 and recently revealed he has multiple personality disorder, called an impromptu press conference in his driveway this morning to make the announcement. A reporter for SSNN happened to be walking by at the time, and so gained an exclusive interview with Walker and his other selves. The former Cowboy and Viking began the interview in a high-pitched voice, referring to himself as “Alice.”

“I’m very pleased to announce that I am resuming my football career,” Alice said. She then curtsied and ran into the house. Moments later Walker came back, this time calling himself “The Herschel” and confirming Alice’s previous statement. “Hell yeah, I wanna play. I can still bitch slap any of those fools playing today. I do 2,000 push-ups and 3,000 sit-ups every morning. And don’t forget my debut record ‘The Herschel Show’, drops on the 28th, fools.”

Walker then punched SSNN’s correspondent in the stomach and went back inside his house. After several minutes Walker returned – this time as simply Herschel Walker, it seems – and had a different take.

“Yeah, I want to play. Watching that whole Brett Favre thing made me cry, and it also made me realize how much I miss the game. But can I? No. I’ve moved on,” he said. When asked what he was doing these days, Walker replied, “Why? You wanna catch a movie later?”

Walker was also asked whether he really did 2,000 push-ups and 3,000 sit-ups every morning – “That’s ridiculous. Now who’s going to believe that? I’m almost 50 years old. The numbers are more like 1,500 and 2,000 now.”

At least one NFL general manager, who spoke on condition of anonymity, would be interested in signing Walker.

“You never know, the guy might still be able to play as a third down back. Besides, all those personalities would be good for a laugh. He could probably make better commercials than Peyton Manning… Am I going to hell for saying that?”

After several more apparent personality changeovers, “The Herschel” said he’s waiting for offers from NFL clubs. In the meantime, he’s busy promoting Herschel Walker’s autobiography. He denies that the revelation of multiple personality disorder is a publicity stunt to arouse interest in what promises to be a devastatingly boring book.

“No way, that’s never been my style. I don’t know what makes people think I’m making this up. If you don’t believe me, go ask Alice.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!