Yankees to hold spring training in Baghdad

NEW YORK, NY — Citing a lack of conditioning and mental toughness as a root cause of their annual playoff failures, New York Yankees management has announced that this year, spring training will be held in Baghdad.

“We gotta get tough,” said new Yankeees president Hank Steinbrenner. “Last year, we lost a crucial game because Joba Chamberlain can’t deal with gnats. And that was it. Well, this year, we are going to prepare for that.”

Steinbrenner said the team will hold batting practice on a battlefield and will shag flies near the Green zone. “We don’t want to get anyone not named Carl Pavano killed,” Steinbrenner said. “All we want is that our players are a little better conditioned and ready for the season when it kicks off.”

The military-style conditioning will begin promptly every day at 0430, when the infielders will sweep the green zone for improvised explosive devices (IEDs) and the pitching staff will unload Blackhawk helicopters laden with supplies.

“Doesn’t sound very fun to me,” said Yankees captain Derek Jeter. “Normally during spring training, I nail a bunch of college-aged, would-be models, play some catch, and work on my tan. Now you’re telling me that I can’t play any catch? Unsubscribe.”

Alex Rodriguez is not even sure that he’s going to participate.

“Look, this is basically being a part of the U.S. military, right?” A-Rod asked. “Well, guess what? I’m rich. And if there’s one thing I know about being in the American military, it’s that if you’re rich, you don’t have to go. Shelly Duncan can take my place.”

SSNN could not confirm a rumor that every Yankee player will also be forced to cut his hair like Joe Girardi.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!