Waitress feels stupid after realizing Prince Fielder is not actually heir to any crown

PHOENIX, AZ — Phoenix waitress Angela Lariano is feeling ashamed today, after she slept with Prince Fielder because she mistakenly believed the 250-lb. slugger was a real member of a royal family.

“British, French, I don’t know. He doesn’t have much of an accent, but I just figured he spent a lot of time in America,” Lariano said in her defense. “I thought Prince would be a great catch, but that’s when I thought he was a prince, not just some fat guy named Prince. I was thinking best-case scenario, things go well and I’m a princess; if not, maybe I at least get a few pics in the tabloids – my friends would love that. Anyway, looking back I probably should have realized he wasn’t heir to a kingdom.”

According to her friends, though, Lariano falls victim to this sort of mix-up with some regularity. In particular, proper names that have second meanings have confused her in the past.

“One year she slept with John Rocker because she was sure he was the lead singer of a famous band,” Lariano’s friend and co-worker Stacy Appleton told SSNN. “Then there was the Marlo Hammercock incident… Let’s just say Angie told me his name sets the bar too high, you know? Like he’s not actually that good in bed.”

For his part, Fielder says he realized the waitress was confused, but saw no particular need to correct her initial impression.

“Yeah, I figured it out when she kept calling me ‘your highness.’ It’s not like I’ve never had a bitch think I’m royalty before,” Fielder said. “At the end of the day, though, does it really matter? She sleeps with me ’cause she thinks I’m a real Prince, or she sleeps with me ’cause I’m an NL MVP candidate. Six of one, half-dozen of the other, right?”

Lariano doesn’t have any complaints about the experience, but she’s not sure she would have behaved the same way if she was fully aware of who Fielder was.

“It’s not that it was bad, not at all,” Lariano said. “It’s just that if I had known he was just a baseball player, I probably would have passed. I’m not into fatties, really – if you’re a royal, that’s cool, but a baseball player? In retrospect, though, I probably should have known he played ball. His name is Fielder, you know? It’s pretty obvious.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!