UFC to promote Majerus, Burke clash

ST. LOUIS, MO — St. Louis University head basketball coach Rick Majerus and Archbishop of St. Louis Raymond Burke will soon get the chance to settle their religious feud, by battering each other to high heaven – in the Octagon. The verbal battle between Majerus and Burke was initiated on Jan. 19, when Burke demanded SLU reprimand Majerus for comments he made regarding his liberal thoughts on abortion while at a rally for Hillary Clinton. Ultimate Fighting Championship president Dana White tells SSNN that negations and terms have been finalized for what he is calling, “Holy War: Final Penance,” a UFC fight which will be held outside the Vatican in Rome. In addition to being the first known fight to feature an actual archbishop, the event will mark the first time the organization has agreed to hold a bout outdoors. “We are tremendously excited and honored to be a part of this historical event,” White said, weeping with joy. “We know how much these two men hate each other, and we are confident they will give us a very unpredictable fight; especially since neither has any kind of fighting style or training. It will be no holds barred, though – I guarantee you that.” Adding to the allure of this fight is the fact that viewers around the world will not have to pay fees to tune in. The Catholic Media Coalition has agreed to foot the bill, essentially waiving pay-per-view costs that are normally associated with UFC matches. Rumor has it that the CMC is already making a push to convince Marilyn Manson, the self-admitted antichrist, to perform live prior to the fight. Taking in the proceedings on Christmas Day, 2008 will be none other than the Pope himself, looking on from his bedroom balcony high above the Octagon.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!