Tilghman mauled by tiger; PGA Mafia thought to be involved

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — Golf Channel commentator Kelly Tilghman was mysteriously mauled by a tiger while she wandered through a back alley near the PGA’s current Scottsdale event early Friday morning. Tilghman had just snuck away from reporters interested in learning more about her comments regarding lynching Tiger Woods in a back alley, when she was attacked by a Royal Bengal Tiger.

“Ms. Racis– I mean, Tilghman is a little shook up,” Detective Matt Ternes told media members at a press conference shortly after the attack. “Her injuries were not serious, but if someone was trying to send a message, I think she got it.”

The tiger, which escaped from police pursuit on foot, has yet to be found. A few unreliable sources believe it may be hiding out at Augusta National Golf Club and Wild Life Perserve in Augusta, GA. This is also believed to be the central meeting point for all members of the PGA Mafia.

“The PGA Mafia is just a myth created by people with no lives who have watched too many episodes of the Sopranos and had too little sex,” said Billy Payne, chairman of the ANGCWLP. “And it’s certainly not run by Tiger Woods, if that’s what you’re trying to imply.”

Tiger, who is currently playing in the Dubai Desert Classic, addressed a crowd of reporters after he finished his second round of play (and shortly before the attack) – “I had nothing to do with it.”

Four hours later, Tiger held another press conference to revise his position on the Tilghman mauling.

“I definitely had nothing to do with it. Listen, if I had done it,” Tiger explained. “She would have been attacked by a Siberian Tiger, not a Bengal Tiger. That’s not my style.”

Most members of the PGA would not comment on the mauling or the mafia, but one young golfer, Nick Thompson, admitted to the organization’s existence.

“Of course it exists! How else do you explain Nicklaus winning the Masters at age 46, when he was using his golf bag as a walker? Mickleson fought it for a long time. Guess when he gave in… Yep, 2004 Masters,” Thompson said, nervously looking over his shoulder. “And Tiger, he took it over in 2000, around the same time he just happened to win the U.S. Open by 15 strokes. It’s been a scary decade for golfing. Lots of mysterious maulings, you know?”

“There’s no such thing,” Tiger said, laughing off questions about the PGA mafia. “And I’m certainly not its Cadillac ring leader. Go Nike.”

Tilghman will be released from the hospital later this evening and – according to her family – vows to never again threaten to lynch a minority golfer.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!