Tiger to play remainder of Match Play with self-imposed handicap

MARAN, AZ — Following his late-round comeback to top J.B. Holmes at the Accenture Match Play Tournament, Tiger Woods told a gathering of media that he intends to make things a little tougher on himself as the event moves forward.

“I dogged it about as much as I could on the front nine. Two bogies, you know? I really thought I dug myself a pretty big hole, but you all saw me – it was easy. I mean, I can’t make it any tougher on myself with a full complement of clubs and my contact lenses in,” Tiger explained. “I’m not trying to show anyone up, I’m just trying to make things more interesting. It’s all about the fans, you know? Competition makes for good TV.”

Woods’ Tuesday victory was competitive for much of the round, with Tiger trailing the whole way after hitting his very first drive out of bounds. But when Woods played the four-hole stretch from 14 through 17 at five-under par, it was too much for the 25-year-old Holmes to overcome.

“If I can be three down with five holes to go, and all it takes is a 36-foot eagle to win in regulation, well… I just feel like I need to add something else to the mix,” Woods went on. “Something to bring me down to the level of the twenty or so top golfers in the world – like in horse racing, when they make the faster, stronger horses wear extra weight, you know?”

Even with his second-round match against Aaron Oberholser teeing off in the early afternoon on Wednesday, the morning arrived with Woods still not sure exactly how he will slow himself down. He had, however, thought of some possibilities.

“I’m still considering a few things,” Tiger told SSNN. “Maybe I’ll play without my contacts, but with a caddy that doesn’t matter as much; I mean, Stevie will find my balls – it’s not that hard when they’re in the middle of the green. I could always go lefty, but anything that brings me closer to Mickelson makes me a little uncomfortable. Right now I’m leaning towards pulling a Tin Cup – you know, playing the whole round with just the 7-iron. I don’t think that’s ever been done on the tour before, and it would at least give Aaron a fighting chance. But nothing’s final yet. You’ll just have to tune in… and getcha popcorn ready!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!