Ramirez loves animals – “I’m a vegetarian”

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC – Barely more than a week after video of Pedro Martinez at a cockfight caused waves when it appeared on YouTube, Chicago Cubs third basemen Aramis Ramirez is catching flak for his involvement in the Dominican pastime.

Ramirez was quoted in the Dominican cockfighting magazine En La Traba as saying that, during the offseason, he is “dedicated entirely” to the sport and his own stable of fighting roosters. According to SSNN sources, Cubs management was none too pleased to read their slugger’s comments.

“Jim Hendry had a conniption fit,” said one front-office employee. “If we had a real owner, I can only imagine how angry that person might theoretically have been.”

Ramirez has defended his position, though, rehashing the fact that cockfighting is the second-most popular sport in his home country, after baseball. He also emphasized his love for the roosters.

“I understand people are upset, but everyone needs to realize that I am a chicken-lover. And I mean that in the best possible way,” Ramirez said. “I’m a vegetarian – I would never slaughter chickens or roosters for their meat; I don’t torture my birds to make them tastier. I just believe in their right to get in that ring and fight to the gruesome death. And to have my birds, that I raised, killing other birds? Well, it’s a sense of pride I’ve never experienced anywhere else. I imagine winning a World Series would be something close to that feeling.”

PETA has already sent letters to Martinez, Ramirez and the MLB league office demanding apologies for the players’ behavior, denouncements of cockfighting in general and participation in animal sensitivity training courses for all players. Ramirez has no interest in any of those things.

“Um… Did I not just say I was a vegetarian? I’m obviously sensitive to animals. If you ask me, the insensitive thing is robbing these roosters of their chance to shine, to distinguish themselves. What treatment could be more ethical than allowing a cock to fulfill its destiny by competing in my nation’s foremost blood sport?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!