Puppy Bowl IV outdraws first three quarters of Super Bowl XLII

GLENDALE, AZ — Early Nielsen polls for Sunday evening provided some unexpected news for producers of Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl IV.

“We beat the Super Bowl?!” exclaimed executive producer Melinda Toporoff. “No FUCKING way!”

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The Puppy Bowl, which features a group of 100% adorably cute puppies running around and play-fighting for three hours, narrowly defeated Super Bowl XLII viewership in the United States through the first three quarters.

“It truly is a great day for America,” David Zaslav, President of Discovery Communications, Inc. – which owns Animal Planet – told SSNN. “First the Patriots lose; thank God! And second, Puppy Bowl dominated the airwaves for over two hours.”

The Super Bowl numbers returned to normal dominance in the fourth quarter, as fans began to tune back just in time for the thrilling finale. “I checked up on it online,” said Gabe Taylor, an average football fan who wears a retainer. “So I knew when to tune back in. In the meantime, I just couldn’t get enough of those ferociously loveable pups playing tug of war and drinking from a water dish. That’s quality entertainment - I mean, I think that just appeals to the everyman more than some football game.”

Even up and coming sportswriter Jay Moline decided to watch the puppies over the comparatively dull beginning of Super Bowl XLII. “I’ve been through three previous New England Super Bowls, and they were all completely boring until the very end, commercials and/or wardrobe malfunctions included. Besides, those puppies are way cuter than Brady and his ‘never returns your calls’ cleft chin.”

Not all television watchers were thrilled about the Puppy Bowl’s historic victory, though. “This is ridiculous,” inmate Michael Vick reportedly said, as he watched the Puppy Bowl while lifting weights. “I arrange dog fights, I go to jail. Animal Planet arranges a doggy royal rumble and everyone loves it. This country sucks.”

Tom Brady was also unhappy to hear the news that his fourth Super Bowl appearance was largely ignored by viewers. “This is the worst half-birthday of my life!” he told SSNN when informed of the Nielsen results. “First, my mom gets me the I Love Lucy Barbie instead of the Frenchy from Grease Barbie, then we lose the Super Bowl and our perfect season, and now we lose the ratings battle to a bunch of mutts! I told Bill [Belichick] we should’ve cheated again.”